Synchronicty?

While flipping channels I stumbled across one of those lifetime movies about being the fat girl in high school. One of the lines in there was startlingly appropriate, all things considered. “I’m never invisible, I’m the fat girl.” This is sadly true. In high school people are always looking at you, watching you, snickering behind your back, making comments about your close, how you look in them…etc. (It’s no wonder we have more issues then the New York Times.) As an adult, it’s not that much different. However, once we’re out of high school, fat girls aren’t supposed to be seen. Even though people talk about us, on television and news shows, we’re supposed to be faceless blobs, stock footage of fat people walking down the street. No matter what the talent, we’re not, actually, supposed to have a voice, have face or have name, and never, under any circumstances, are you ever, supposed to have sex….or act like you want sex. Or dress in a manner that men might find sexually attractive. You get my point.

I am a very sexual person. I like it that way, I like me that way. I like being called ‘X-rated, just because you’re you.’ What I don’t like is being lectured on my health by people who have no idea how healthy or unhealthy I am. When you’re fat, random people feel like they have the right to comment on whatever it is you’re doing. I’ve had people say things about how I shouldn’t eat something. I’ve had people make comments about my clothes. I’ve also had comments made about how some guy I was flirting with wasn’t into fat girls. They do this because, we’re never invisible. For a myriad of reasons, people always see the fat girl, but rarely as a women or people. This is how the culture treats us, how People treat us.

Individuals, on the other hand, are much better. I have had only one negative response to being a Naked Girl, and that one was not exactly from a ‘reputable’ source, the rest has been very positive and encouraging. I am grateful for that. As the date gets closer, I realize that this isn’t just about me overcoming my fears. It’s a statement. I will be seen, all of me. I will not apologize for my size. I will not be ashamed for my size. (I might be embarrassed by the giant bruise on my thigh…but screw it) I will have a voice and I will have name. I will be naked in front of an audience and they will enjoy it. They will be happy to see me naked and I will be happy to be seen. It is my own small way of challenging the unwritten rules that we live by.

Quick definition.

So someone asked me, what is a Housetart? And here's the explanation: everyone's see Harry Potter and knows what an house elf is. Well a housetart, is like a house elf, except with benefits. :D

I love karma!

Karma is a beautiful thing. I wasn’t paying attention to it, but Michelle L’amour, the founder of Naked Girls Reading, is going to be at our first event. I think this is absolutely wonderful. She is a gorgeous, wonderful woman. Go ahead, Google her and see for yourself. The beauty of all this is, she falls right into a certain someone’s preferences. As he would put it she has ‘a smoking hot body.’ (Yes he uses this phrase) But he isn’t going to see that body. Why? Because he’s too hung up on me being there, naked. *sigh* It just sort of makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Boys are stupid...yet again.

I’ve run into an interesting prejudice. There is a guy I game with, who is fairly judgmental. He also prefers skinny girls and does not find fat girls, like me, attractive. This by itself is not bad thing. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences. What I’m upset with is his attitude about my Naked Girl Reading event. He has decided that since he has no wish to see me naked, neither would anyone else. Which I know isn’t true. He is dismissive and has made clear that not only does he not want to see me naked, but finds the idea repulsive. Which he has to make sure I know about. Again, his preferences don’t bother me, but rudely making sure someone knows that, not only do you find them unattractive, you don’t think anyone else will, is really one of the meanest things you can do.

What Feminists won't do.

The shooting in PA is a bit topic of discussion for feminists, however there is a line that even they won’t cross. They come up with catch phrases like ‘culture of violence’ and call pistols ‘weapons of mass destruction.’ But the truth is not even feminists are willing to say women should defend themselves. Not even they are willing to say ‘it’s ok for a woman to use deadly force’.

They, of course, are upset at the shooting in PA. Who wouldn’t be? Here is a situation were a mentally unstable man walked into a gym and deliberately targeted women. He fired 52 rounds, injured 9 women and killed 3. This is a horrible tragic thing. However, what amazes me is that these self professed feminist got upset when I suggested women should be armed. I got told “Guns are NOT the answer,” I’m sorry but that depends on the question. When the question is: How do we stop a psychologically broken man from unloading a couple of guns in to a room full of women (or anyone else for that matter), guns are the answer. 52 rounds means at one point he had to either reload or pull another gun. This takes a lot longer then you would think. Enough time for someone with a clear head to go for a bag that had a gun in it. (It was an aerobics class so not even I think they should have had a gun on their person) One woman having a gun in that room could have saved all or even one of the women who got shot.

But the attitude that women should never engage in violence, even for self-defense is so ingrained in our culture that despite comments like this: “This is terrorism, terrorism motivated solely by hate of a class of people, plain and simple. Terrorism motivated by a sense of entitlement.” If you say, get a gun and defend yourself, you get this: “Um, what the hell. The fact is, very few women will ever own a gun in their life. I think the statistics are something like half of men, 15% of women. Why is the onus always on WOMEN to "protect themselves," but never on men to fucking knock it off? Why should WOMEN have to do things they don't want to do, [I also find it amusing that a feminists naturally assumes girls don’t like guns] like own an item of mass destruction, to protect themselves against shit that the very culture of force and violence surrounding guns actually helps perpetuate.” I know very few women own guns. That’s part of the problem! If more women owned guns, they would have another option to defend themselves. But, while feminist see guns as a part of male privilege, they are not willing to take that privilege for themselves.

When did pacifism become a feminist value? People who walk into a building like that intending to shoot people are not going to respond to ‘Knock it off!” However, you put a few rounds at center mass, they’ll stop shooting people. Is it right that these things happen and women are specifically target? No, no more then its right when anyone else is targeted. If we, as women, will not defend ourselves from deadly force with deadly force, who will?

I always had the opinion that modern feminism was not healthy for women, too much of a victim mentality. But I never thought, they’d be actively dangerous. I never expected a feminist to say she’d rather get shot then pick up a gun and defend herself. To trot out the clichéd saying, ‘I’d rather be judged by twelve, then carried by six’. Which makes me very much NOT feminist.

High School Tragedy 2: Electric Boogaloo

As I have already stated, high school was not a happy place for me. But now my luxury of bitterness has come to end. I’ve been contacted by a couple of people I went to school with. Those, at the time, I called my closest friends. With them and the memories they bring back comes all the other conflicted emotions that have been more or less buried and ignored for the last 15 years. You’d think 15 years would be long enough, but you’d be wrong. I realized that many of the issues I have when I am reminded about those years have little or nothing to do with my fellow students. I don’t think they realized I spent about half of my sophomore year homeless. I don’t think they realized how much of a drunk my stepfather was or if he was a drunk at all. I don’t think they knew about the times I got into fist fights with my mother. I know they didn’t realize the problems I had with my own mental illness, I didn’t even know that at the time. No one is that kind or observant at 16, to see these things and I was not a part of ‘the family’. In fact, I was a consummate actor in school, only breaking character on rare occasions. I was tough, everything was fine, I could handle it. In a rural small town, many of these people knew each other from first grade. There was a grand total of 42 kids in our graduating class, give or take a few. It was a small world and I was now better then them. I doubt I was the only one in the class who had an alcoholic parent or a dysfunctional household and I didn’t notice their problems anymore then they noticed mine. Neither do I think they were any less of an actor, at the time, then I was.

A part of what I’m feeling is also grief. My stepfather died right at a year ago and memories of high school are very much tangled with memories him, both good and bad. I went back to Montana for a visit and took a friend to Lewis and Clark caverns. It was the first time I had been anywhere near there since before my stepfather died. I still have not been back to my ‘home town’ since my parents left. I’m honestly not sure I could bring myself to go back. Sometimes I wonder if talking to these people is going to help me get rid of all this baggage or bury me under it. I know I don’t want it any more, it’s too old, too heavy, and life’s too good, now.

As if I wasn’t already insecure and paranoid enough, I have this horrible thought that one my former classmates will show up at my naked reading event. That’s the sort of thing that just causes psychotic breaks. Nudity+public speaking+former high school classmates=broken. I’m not sure there’s enough medication in the world to deal with that. Luckily I’m fairly sure, none of them live here. So I’m safe…I think.

Boy’s are still stupid

On of the things you have remember when your screwing around with a married woman (and by that I mean fucking) is that they’re not your girlfriend. Sex does not vest property rights and neither does it give you permission to use someone as your emotional tampon. I don’t mind being treated like a booty call, especially by someone whom I just have sex with on occasion. This is not a relationship, however, ignoring me for 6 weeks, except for 2 last minute, day of, invites, one of which was to be emotional support, is rude. Getting butthurt when I say I can’t do something with you is even worse. Especially when the whole point of them was for your benefit and you can’t even be bothered to be concerned about anyone else. I understand that people are busy. The ignoring me for 6 weeks doesn’t bother me, by itself. But combined with some things that were said and other behaviors, it makes me feel like I’m being treated like a video game, to be put on pause whenever he’s busy. I have a life, I got things to do. I do not wait around just to fuck someone once every other month.

Also I have a husband, deal with it. I don’t appreciate lovers getting butthurt when I talk about him, or trying to pretend he doesn’t exist. If you don’t like having sex with a married woman, don’t. Don’t assume, either, that just because we sleep with other people, our marriage is in trouble and you have a shot at replacing my husband. Not going to happen, get over it.

Learn your citizenship laws!

Ok So here's my opinion about the Birther's. The people who think that, for whatever stupid reason, that Obama isn't a US citizen. All of this hinges around his birth certificate and the fact that he hasn't released it. The true stupidity of this is that it doesn't matter. Even if he was born in Kenya, (Which I don't think he was. Factcheck.org has a copy of a Hawaiin birth certificate, I buy it.) he's still a citizen and natural born one at that. For this I quote wiki:

For persons born on or after November 14, 1986, a person is a U.S. citizen if all of the following are true:[4]
1.One of the person's parents was a U.S. citizen when the person in question was born;
2.The citizen parent lived at least 5 years in the United States before his or her child's birth;
3.A minimum of 2 of these 5 years in the United States were after the citizen parent's 14th birthday.

No one has questioned his mother's citizenship. Yes, his father was Kenyan, but who cares. His mother was and is American. No argument. That means it doesn't matter where he was born, he's a citizen, deal with it.