Crash and Burn

Well it’s over. What I had hoped would grow into a deep and loving relationship, crashed and burned even more spectacularly then I thought it would. It hurts to find out you were strung along for a number of complicated psychological reasons. None of which had anything to do with you. After weeks of chasing after him, putting up with him being selfish and inconsiderate, and at times, mean. I was blind to the fact that he didn’t want me. He was too wrapped up in himself to see me as anything other then ditz who was reasonably good in bed. That wouldn’t hurt so badly if he hadn’t gone out of his way to try and make me think otherwise. I thought he liked me as much as I liked him, however, he didn’t even know me and neither does he see me as someone worth trying to know. Its not that I believe him, but having someone you care about think you’re completely worthless, hurts. There was a fight and I said some fairly mean things. I have a temper I do that. But I wasn’t the only one, and if you’re going to brag about how bad your temper is, sooner or later you’re going to get some of your own back. At one point he said he wanted to make people feel as angry and as miserable as he was. He succeeded. I’m not sure he’ll ever understand the pain he caused. I’m not sure he even cares. The truly sad thing is…I think love him, still.

Secrets

Secrets are curious things. There are times when ‘full disclosure’ is not the kind thing to do. I question whether or not it’s always the right thing to do. One thing I do know is once the decision to keep the secret is made, you don’t change your mind. For good or ill, you can't just tell people after the fact. But they are heavy things…secrets. There are situations that outsiders, or ever the people involved, don’t always understand. That are far more complicated then you can articulate. Do you keep those secrets…even from the people involved? If you do tell them, how do you express things that are even confusing to yourself? Or is it best to not tell anyone? The answers are never easy, and I’m not even sure there is a ‘right’ one. But I think I can handle a little extra weight.

Dating?!

It is interesting at times, how the life experiences you miss out on when you’re younger, show up later in life. I never really dated in high school. I never really dated, ever, actually. The one big relationship I had in my life ended in marriage. Despite this, I have always been the one to be asked and give relationship advice. I’m not entirely certain as to why, but apparently I give good advice. However, saying and doing are two entirely different things. What brings this all to the forefront of my consciousness is I met a guy. Being of the poly persuasion, this does not have the world shaking affects on my marriage that you would think. My husband actually finds it fairly amusing. However, this is causing a great deal of pondering on my part. Normally this wouldn’t be that big a deal, but there are feelings involved. This guy is different. Now, I could live with him being just a casual thing, but I would be very unhappy about it. You’d think I would have learned after the…less then happy ending of my husband’s relationship with his girlfriend, but you’d be wrong. For the first time, in a long, I’m worried about whether he likes me. About how should I behave…you’d think I was in high school. It is, at the same time, both annoying and a little exciting. I always thought that the idea of being so twitterpatted that you had a hard time communicating was a TV trope. But it isn’t. *sigh* Yes…it’s true, there is guy out there the makes me have difficulties saying stuff. It’s rather amazing, really. What I really need to do is stop whinging on about it, just enjoy myself. He’s a wonderful man, and it’s worth it.

Twitterpation!

Definition: Twitterpatted-(AKA Pheromone Shock) That rush of hormones and other brain chemicals that make you feel all sorts of happy when you’re around your new lust object.

Usage: She is so twitterpatted over him.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, I can go on to whine about how twitterpatted I am over some guy. I really should now better. He’s a great guy. However there is one slight problem…he’s a monogamist. I don’t fault him for that. Deep down he wants to be some lucky girls one and only. I don’t blame him for that in the least. He deserves to be happy. This, however, does not in anyway negate the twitterpattion. There’s a very childish part of me that just wants to just lock him in a closet and keep him forever. Ok…maybe that’s the sociopath in me, but either way it’s a bad idea. The grown up thing to do would be just walk away, be friends, and never…never have sex with him again. I am far to twitterpatted to actually do that. *sigh* I know, because of how he is and how and I am, I’m going to get my heart bruised up over this. But, you know, it’s kind of worth it. Life’s messy. Get Dirty.