I see you.

If you could see inside my mind, would you run in fear of all things I’m too scared to say.

I love you. Why don’t you love me? Why is she different? Why don’t the rules apply to her? You hated the thought of me having sex with other men when we were nothing more then casual lovers, but you pursue her knowing she’s fucking other men. You go to the coffee shop to see her on you’re night off, but can’t drive half that distance just to come to house and watch a movie. You can't even manage to come to a concert of mine on your day off, knowing how important it was to me. You ignore me after making go to the bar to support your shows. You demanded a hug from me tonight. You, who has on many occasions refused me hugs or gave me something perfunctory and half-hearted. But you tell people you are not acting different. You’re reading my facebook page. You’ve never cared before. When my grandmother died and I sent you the email with the link to this very blog, asking you to read it, you told how blogs were self-indulgent bullshit and you don’t read them. But you’re not acting any different. You've never expressed a concern for my mental health before,beyond social politeness, but now you are kindness itself.

I see you and you can’t lie to me. I do not know why you are acting this way, but it isn’t you. You are caustic, mean spirited, and cruel a good deal of the time. I wasn’t able to tell you much because you took great pleasure in pouring scorn and derision on everything I said and every opinion I had that didn’t agree with yours. I saw all of this, your good and bad. I saw in you someone who just wanted to be loved, someone who truly wants to be a good man, but doesn’t know the way. I saw your hatred, mostly for yourself, and I saw your love. Gods help me; I love you, seeing all of that. You are a lot of things, a good man, an asshole, but you are not a kind man. I see you and I know you are behaving differently. Whether it’s for her benefit or something else, I don’t know. But I see you; I’ve always seen you and I loved you anyways. I wish it had been enough.