All you had to do was nothing!

My bully has decided to write his own post on bullying. I find interesting that he is accusing those he is angry at, of bullying. Not him, of course, he's too manly and strong for that, but he does define it.

1bul·ly
noun \ˈbu̇-lē, ˈbə-\
plural bullies
Definition of BULLY
1
archaic a : sweetheart b : a fine chap
2
a : a blustering browbeating person; especially : one habitually cruel to others who are weaker b : pimp
3
: a hired ruffian
Origin of BULLY
probably from Middle Dutch boele lover; akin to Middle Low German bōle lover, Middle High German buole
First Known Use: 1538

That is the definition he posted. He goes on to further define, himself, that bullying only happens to children, pre-teens, and teens and by the same. Implying that adults can not, in anyway, be the victim of or be a bully. I look at the definition: a blustering browbeating person: especially : one habitually cruel to others who are weaker. I don't see ages of the people involved in that definition. Now, whether or not women are weaker then my bully, he thinks they are. Anyone who refers to women as sluts, whores, bitches and refers to their genitalia as “sausage wallet” and does so, repeatedly, with the intent to cause emotional harm (i.e. he's not using it in a joking manner or between friends) is habitually cruel.

He says you can define an act of bullying by the end result. Well if the end result is a woman despising him, being intimidated by him, and feeling as if her only recourse is the law, then what does that say of your actions? Now if you're my bully, that says nothing about your actions because everything you do is right. (Yes there is sarcasm there) It just says the woman in question is delusional. He maintains that any perceived threat against me from him, is just that, my delusional perception. While maintaining, however, that he is quite capable of violence, just that I am not worth it. However, I am not worth ignoring either. All he had to do was nothing. NOT talk about, NOT mention me in his rantings, and NOT give me attention. He couldn't do that. I am, however, supposed to be reassured because he deems me not worthy of violence?

What disturbs me is he is focusing his ire on me, due to an incident that I have nothing to do with. He is mad at another woman, therefore must be mad at me also. What else is he going to get angry about, that he decides I'm a part of? If what gets his attention is him being mad at anything female, then he will never leave me alone. Whether or not I have anything to with what he's pissed about clearly doesn't matter. Since I don't know what does it, then how can I not piss him off. More importantly, if he's not a bully, why should I have to worry about it?

Let it go?! Why?

Why can't I let it the whole issue with my bully go. I've been told I should. That he's not worth the trouble. But here's my question: Why should I let it go? Would he let it go if someone called his wife a bitch, slut, cheerleader, little soul whore, or pyscho princess? Would he tell he she needed psychiatric help because she didn't like it and told the person who called her such things? No. From his writings he'd, most likely, react strongly and angrily. So why is my anger any less justified? I was wronged. I demand an apology, not only for me, but for everyone he has specifically insulted, threatened, and libeled.

He says “To sum it up in case its not clear. I own my actions. I own my words. If you have issues with them, take them up with ME. Not my wife. Not my friends. Not my family. If you don't have the spine to do it, then maybe its not worth being said. If you are afraid of the reaction to the words you want to say, maybe they are not that important to you. If you are not willing to face the consequences to your actions then maybe you shouldn't engage in those actions. “ Well I tried. I confronted him directly over email and he blocked me. How is that owning his words? I didn't go to anyone but him, and he refused to acknowledge his behavior. He boasts about the consequences others should face if they make him angry, but runs from the consequences of his own words. He will not face the anger of one woman who doesn't like being called a bitch or crazy. I would like to take up my issues with him, he won't face me.

Why can't I let it go, people ask. I say, why should I? He's a misogynistic asshole who chooses what he thinks are weak targets. Anyone who knows him should be angry at what he says. If he has a right to spread his hatred and cruelty, then I have a right to angry about and say so. Give me one reason I should 'let it go' and just ignore him? Ignoring my bully is like walking away when you see someone getting beat in an alley. Anyone who ignores him, does nothing, or supports him, should be ashamed of themselves.

Unimportant Rant about people upset at Netflix

For those who aren't in the know, as of Sept. 1, Netflix is raising their prices. The cost of DVD rental has gone up and getting the rights to stream movies has always been a little pricy. Now, they are separating out their DVD rental service and streaming service. If you just want one or the other, you can get it cheaper. Their current premium deal is about 19$ a month. This gives you 3 DVD's at a time and unlimited streaming. This is damned cheap, in my opinion. It's less then the price of two movie tickets. Under the new pricing scheme if you want both it's 24$ a month. If you want to split up because you think the streaming or DVD's suck, streaming is 8$ and DVD's start at 16$.

I have no problems with people who are revisiting the issues and deciding if they want to pay for the service. That is what they should be doing. What I don't understand is why are people getting pissed off? “Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.” The current generation has no issue with paying 10-15$ for one movie ticket. Yet, Netflix splits their services and raises their prices to, at worst, 30$ a month and it's the end of the world. That price is dependent on how many DVD's you want out an any given time. 30$ gives you 4 DVD's and unlimited streaming, 24$ is 3, 20$ is 2 and 16$ is 1. So, depending on your choices, your prices might go down.

DVD's should cost more the streaming. Streaming movies to multiple sources isn't that much more expensive once you have the rights to stream the movie at all. Streaming to one is about the same, cost wise, as streaming to many. DVD's on the other hand, are more expensive. You are limited by how many physical copies you have, you have to pay cost of shipping, storage fees for where the DVD's sit when they are not being loaned out, replacing them, care and cleaning, etc. That costs more then streaming and now those costs are being reflected in the price and not an unreasonable price at that.

I think splitting up the services is a great idea. Not everyone uses both. I do and am happy to pay for both, because it's worth it to me. However, many people consider the streaming to be crap and never use it. Just as many people never get DVD's and just use the streaming. For these people the deal is actually cheaper. All you have to pay for is the service you use, rather then both.

I might even go up to 30$ for that extra movie, but I haven't decided yet. Netflix is a business. It's job is to make money. They have no moral obligation to keep their prices at the same rates forever. If you don't like it, drop the service. You are not owed cheap entertainment. It's movies. It's not food, medication or housing. You can live without Netflix. If you can't afford or do not want to pay for the service, there is a public library near you that will give you books, movies, and music, for what you've already paid for in taxes and you pay those taxes anyway whether you use the service or not.

Cowardic

When drama happens, it happens all once. Part of the drama involved my bully, bringing up the whole mess that happened back in March, when he threatened people from Iraq. Because of an incident that pissed him off involving a pagan organization that I have nothing to do with, he decided to insult me. He called me a bitch and a few other choice names. This was an unprovoked attack. I have nothing do with the incident he was pissed about or the pagan community. He also insulted some of the other women who were involved. Normally I abhor sexism in any fashion, including chivalry (that's another post) but I find it interesting that he generally, only picks on women, teenage boys, or men who are pacifists. In other words, those he perceives as easy targets. I sent him an email, which I made public and told him I would, confronting him, telling him I would not tolerate his behavior and to leave me out of whatever issues he has. His response was to tell me I needed psychiatric help, then he did the cyber equivalent of running away. He blocked me. This man, whom I have had no contact with since March, who repeatedly says that if you have a problem with him, confront him, can't handle a confrontation. He called me a bitch, but I need psychiatric help when I tell him to leave me out of his issues. His blog consists of self-congratulatory mental masturbation and outright abuse of anyone he disapproves of. Which is anyone who doesn't agree with him. Apparently he can only be strident and unforgiving when he is surrounded by people who pat him on the back and tell him how right he is. Any dissenting voice is quickly silenced and ignored. You'd think an adult would be beyond bullying, but that isn't true. However, standing up and watching your bully slink away and hide behind a cyber shield, because he's afraid to man up to what he's said, helps a great deal. He's a coward that can not handle any confrontation. I suspect the only confrontation he desires (if he desires any at all) is one in person, so he can always resort to violence.

I am almost disappointed in his cowardice. I expected a man who would stand by his words with conviction. Instead he does not recant, apologize, or stand by them. Merely runs away back to the group of sycophants who will tell him how awesome he is. His cowardice has been exposed, however my goal now, is to not become the beast. It will be very difficult because he truly deserves it. But it is not my place to met out justice or karma. Hopefully I can manage to not become him.

My mother's final lesson

As CoH's (Children of Hoarders) we try to protect our HP's (Hoarder Parents) from the inevitable consequences of their own actions. Whether it's trying to keep them from getting sick because they eat spoiled food, aren't very mobile in their mess, or, dying in their hoard. The final lesson my HM ever taught me, was that you can't do this. They will always suffer the consequences of their choices, up and including death. For the longest time I felt guilty because my mother died, alone, in a messy house. It's not like I'm advocating anyone to just walk away. I didn't. I spent 3 months in Texas (I live in Denver) taking care of her, making trips to Houston, getting her diagnosed and setting up chemo treatments. I went home, with the plan to return when it was time for her surgery. She died about three weeks after left. I would have liked to clean more on the house, but she wouldn't allow me to get any help. I was the only one she would let do anything. I was criticized by my cousins and other family who lived down there (whom she wouldn't allow to do anything for her) because the house was a mess and because I left. The didn't understand at all what it was like before I cleaned. She wouldn't let them in the house. Neither did they understand how stressful those three months were and I needed time to be home with my husband.

The point of the ramble is that I tried everything I could, including drawing up a will, which she never signed, to save her. I tried to convince her to go to a doctor before the cancer was bad. She was a grown woman of 63 years old. Legally, she was mentally competent. This means that her decisions are decisions that have to be respected. Despite the fact that she killed herself with neglect, I have to recognize that it was her choice to do such. It is hard, when the consequences are illness and death, to just let a hoarder suffer, but sometimes, all the efforts we make just won't change anything. Nothing I could've done would've saved my mother. It's a hard lesson for me to accept, but you can't always save a person. No matter how much you try, your efforts will be futile. Whether or not you continue to try is a personal choice, but feeling guilt for not saving them, shouldn't ever happen. You can't change a persons course in life, if they are determined. You can not save a person who doesn't want to be saved. Despite what anyone says, you are not to blame, you should not feel guilty, and dealing with your own life is perfectly reasonable.

Why men should go to SlutWalk

99% of all rapists are men. It's sad but true. The core concept of the slut shaming ideal that if you don't want to get raped don't dress like a slut, is that you draw the attention of these men. That, somehow, a woman's dress causes these men to rape. That men are so weak willed before the power of the almighty penis, that they simply can't help themselves but to rape a scantily clad woman. Not only do men, in general, seem to not offended by this, but a great number seem to agree and encourage it.

This is not just a women’s issue. Since it is, primarily, men who commit rape, claiming that men are too weak willed to stop themselves is degrading and dehumanizing to all the men who don't rape. All men should be outraged at the idea that they can't control themselves. All men should be outraged at the implication that any man will turn rapist because he saw a flash of thigh or cleavage.

Before I said I was attending this even for my daughter, but the more I read comments on the sight, from both men and women, I realize that it is also for my husband. Because women are being trained to fear him, simply because he is male. Women are being told that all men are potential rapists because all men are animals who can't control themselves. My husband is not rapist. My husband is even more of a feminist then I am. This is an opportunity for men to stand up and say “I'm not a rapist. I can control myself no matter what a woman wears and I am not someone who needs to feared.”

SlutWalk issues

One of the things I keep noticing in a lot of the discussions about SlutWalk is: no one is making a distinction between tactical decisions to actually protect oneself and moral judgments. Discussing tactical decisions is necessary, but that has to be based on what actually happens and needs to be concrete suggestions. For example: Don't wear a skirt so tight it hampers your movements and keeps you from running. That is a tactical suggestion. Don't dress provocatively because it makes you a target. That is a moral judgement. Both 'provocatively' and 'short' are unclear and have different interpretations. If you are going to discuss skirt length, in tactical fashion, you have to get into concrete details, what is to short, how many inches...etc. If you are not discussing concrete details, you run the risk of drifting into moral judgement.

There is also what I call, security blanket beliefs. Things that make you feel safer, but may not have any tactical value. I have my own security blanket belief that is not backed up by data. I believe that a woman is safer for owning a gun. Now, if you look at the data available, I have my doubts about that, tactically. Most rapists are already in the circle of trust of the victim, friends, partners, family...etc. Having to actually shoot someone and potentially take a life is an incredibly traumatic decision to begin with, compounding it with the person to be shot being close to you, odds are good the gun won't be used.

I'm not sure owning a gun actually makes a woman (or anyone else) safer, but it makes me feel better. I think that when it comes to clothing and sexual promiscuity, many people tell themselves that they can't be victims because they don't dress slutty and don't sleep around. This belief doesn't make them safer, it makes feel better. Part of where much of the damage comes in, is, this belief is so ingrained that when tragedy strikes, and someone is assaulted and raped, not only is their shield of belief shattered, but that belief says they must have done something wrong. It's a belief structure rooted in the concept that you know what a rapist is, how to avoid being a target, and randomness doesn't exist. When all of these turn out to wrong, then victim blaming comes in. Not only does the victim blame themselves, but the people around them, who have similar belief structures, have to blame the victim, or acknowledge that their belief structures are equally flawed.

In my opinion, part of why there has been such a vehement response to SlutWalks all over, is because SlutWalk is directly challenging that belief structure. It brings to the open what, the culture as a whole, wants to ignore. It points out that the culture's belief structure is wrong. It strips people their security blanket beliefs and doesn't replace them with anything. This isn't a criticism, just what I think. It isn't the job for SlutWalk to provide anyone a belief structure, it's each individual's personal responsibility to create a new belief structure that is less damaging to themselves and others. It's a communities job to help with that, but even a community can't do it all.

I think this is why there are so many people who confuse moral judgement and tactics. Also why they are so strongly against the protest. They want to defend the ideas that make them feel safe. I just think it's a useful discussion to see what ideas actually make you safe and what doesn't, as well as what potential harm can a security blanket belief cause.

Action

I've made a decision today. I'm going to take all the evidence I have about my bully, for my situation and where he accuses someone else of statutory rape to the police. I have no idea if they will take it seriously. But I'm tired of doing nothing. All of the threats and accusations he's made, were on, either, public blogs or Facebook. That's pretty much as public as you can get. So I am not betraying any confidences. Honestly, if he had made statements to me in private, I'd still turn it over. I waited for a month for the pagan community to do something, say something to him. If they have, I don't know about it and it didn't work. He has repeatedly maintained that he is perfectly sane and rational, and that he means the threats he makes. He doesn't have to back down from his threats, his wife and friends do it for him. I'm going to treat him like the rational man he says he is. When rational people make threats, accuse others of reprehensible behavior, and are generally belligerent, other rational people take them seriously and call the cops. So that's what I'm going to do. Unless I am on a jury, it is not my job to determine if someone is committing an illegal action. That is the job of the courts. It's my job to report anything I think might be illegal. I know this means they'll think it's nothing and do nothing. But I'm willing to take that risk. At the very least if my bully actually does do something in the future, there will be report of it and an established pattern of behavior. More then that, it's actually doing something real, rather then just whinging on about how awful he is, while he does this to other people.

Karma

Community is a funny thing. Even when it's weak there is still camaraderie. Even when they have proven themselves to turn a blind and ignore damaging behavior, you still miss them. A man who traumatized and bullied, is now wrestling with similar issues I have about him. Statements were made, and I was criticized for over reacting. Despite the fact that he has threatened people before. It was my fault for taking what he said seriously, not his fault for saying. Bullying me into silence, is criminal behavior. We are, and there is still time for, considering legal action. This behavior was downplayed, ignored, and met with apathy because people didn't want drama.

Now, this man is encountering behavior that he considers criminal. Going so far as to call another man a pedophile. Near as I can tell the man is too old to be talking to 16 year old girls and this offends my bully. He is, however, afraid of community reaction. He may be right in saying this man 'puts out a creepy vibe'. I don't know. I don't know the people involved. I do know that treating the 16 year old girl like she has no agency in the situation is offensive to me. As far as I can tell from his writings, no criminal activity has actually been committed. This is not a case of sexual assault or rape. This a case of a man talking to a teenage girl, in public, and my bully feeling like it's creepy. If there is more to the story he hasn't written it.

I don't expect there to be a huge outcry. The community did nothing when presented with my bullies criminal behavior, I don't expect them to do anything for this, even if there is criminal behavior. I do, however, enjoy watching him rail about how much he hates this man and how helpless he feels because the community won't back him up. Funny, I feel the same way about him. I feel as if I was bullied out of the community because of him and no one was willing to say or do anything about it. He's very active in the community and I feel as though I can not be. Am I still afraid of him...yes, to be honest. I'm a little worried that he still might do something out of anger, especially if I go to the police. More then that, I'm worried about he'll say behind my back.

Do I think he will realize he is exactly the sort of man that makes people afraid of him, not in anyway he'll admit. He likes being a bully and he likes having friends that will say he's 'blowing steam' or 'is just kidding' when he says something threatening, so he doesn't have to. He can maintain the illusion that he is always a man of his word and he does what he say's he'll do, because his friends will jump in save face and victim blame. I enjoy watching him wrestle with some of the same issues, I still wrestle with because him. I don't ever think he will understand, but I enjoy it just the same.

Invitation to touch?

As a supporter and planned attendee of my local SlutWalk one of the most common criticisms is that certain clothes are an 'invitation to touch'. Which got me thinking. It isn't just clothes that some people consider an invitation, pregnancy is also perceived as such. For some reason, as many mothers will attest too, having a visibly pregnant belly means some people feel they have the right to come up to a total stranger and rub the belly. Most people would agree that I, and any other pregnant woman, have the right to go shopping, go to work, and generally go about our day, and not try to hide a pregnant belly. Any reasonable person would also think we have the right to say 'Don't touch me' and have it respected.

However, if you apply the same logic to a pregnant woman that most people apply to a woman who is dressed 'provocatively' or just in very little clothing, this isn't so. People tell women constantly, that they should be aware of how they dress and that some people will see it as an invitation, not only to touch, but for sex. There is also an unspoken message that if you dress a certain way, you do not have the right to have 'Don't touch me' be respected. You clothes sent the invitation it's your fault if someone accepts.

If I apply the same logic to pregnancy, then I don't have the right to tell random strangers, my friends, my husband, or anyone else 'Don't touch me'. Simply by being in their presence and being visibly pregnant, I’m tempting them. Because some people see that as an invitation. If I didn't want random people rubbing my belly, it would be my responsibility to either, hide in my house until I gave birth or dress in layers to hide my belly. The logic is that the people touching have no responsibility to keep their hands to themselves because I'm inviting them to touch me, simply by being pregnant and in public, and they can't help themselves. Me explicitly saying 'No' doesn't matter. I sent out the invitation.

Despite the fact that many studies have shown, repeatedly, that dress has very little to do with rape or assault, and that most victims know their tormentors, society still puts the onus on women to not dress like sluts. The logic breaks down in any other context. No one tells people to not make your house look nice, because it attracts burglars. No one says don't buy a nice, new car, because it attracts car thieves. Neither are rich people blamed for being robbed, if they have a nice car or house. No one tells pregnant women they shouldn't leave the house because their bellies will invite people to touch. But the culture still has this illusion that “if you don't want to get raped, don't dress like a slut”.

The other thing that makes this myth so dangerous is the unspoken flip side. That there is a manner of dress that can protect you from rape. There isn't. There has never been a court case were the defense said “That 2 year old was dressed like a slut and was asking for it. It was totally consensual. He showed me his diaper!” But for grown women, this is a valid defense. Even after being found guilty of rape, how a woman was dressed at the time of the rape, can be used as a mitigating factor for sentencing. Despite the fact that dress doesn't matter. Nun's get raped, in their habits. Women in burquas get raped. Men in jeans get raped. Children get raped. Maintaining the myth that 'dressing like slut' has anything to do with rape or any other assault, is victim-blaming and a perpetuation of rape culture, pure and simple. There is nothing else behind it.

GTFO!!!

So we have a roommate who is practically family. A friend who was Best Man at our wedding and we've known for 15 years. Almost 10 of that we've lived with him. When we bought our house about 6 years ago, it was perfect for having an apartment downstairs. He's rented from us for the last 4 years (in this house) and it has helped out with the mortgage. Except for the year-ish he didn't pay rent at all. The problem now, is he was given notice in January that he'd have to move in May, because we have a baby on the way. He knows that we have to do some remodeling, carpet replacement etc... The reason he is not out yet...wait for it...is he didn't have time to do anything because of school. His solution, rather then go through his shit, purge/pack and be a grown up, was to too churn for a week while were gone, look at one apartment, and sign up for more classes. So with 5 months notice, he couldn't manage to pack and find an apartment. This is a man I've been honest with. He knows about my history with hoarding. He knows that I find his level of clutter and attachment to stuff to be triggering, and I've flat out told him he's a hoarder and needs therapy. He is not an abusive hoarder or one that does guilt trips. He's friendly, fun, nods and listens to all you have to say, and responds with all the right things. Then goes and does whatever he damn well pleases. He wasn't a hoarder before he moved into this house, but he certainly is one now, even if it is in just the early stages. While I've told him my feelings, I don't think he grasps just how bitchtastic I'm going to be over this. Under these circumstances, I would throw my own mother out on the street, where she still alive. Why? Because it's not my fault he doesn't have anywhere to go. It's not even a financial issue...he can afford an apartment, he just hasn't looked. On top of all the hoarding issues, he's got to deal with the added bonus of upsetting the hormonal pregnant lady and interfering with her nesting. My husband is trying to get him out in the next week, so I won't enact 'nuclear protocols' that insure we never speak again.

Silence

I want to raise my daughter to be strong, to not be bullied, to not be afraid of what others might say. However, how can I do this, if can't do it myself. I am afraid of particular person, a man. I am not afraid of he'll do to me. I, honestly think, he is a coward. But cowards can sometimes be worse. What I truly afraid of is the social repercussions. My social circle is one that doesn't like to choose sides. That prefers to turn a blind eye to cruel or bullying behavior rather then stand against. They are also fond of victim blaming. Now we aren't talking about them ignoring physical violence, but words. They have no problems with allowing a man and being friends with a man who bullies people, especially women, because he sees them as weak. I have no doubt, and I've seen it, that should I actually try to stand up against this and point this out, I will be ridiculed. I was called a 'pregnant drama bomb' because I was genuinely afraid of him in the first place. But now, a few months later. It's not just him. I am not comfortable with commenting on pages that he does, despite having mutual friends. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having mutual friends. If my daughter was friends with someone who bullied people or friends with people who criticized the victims of bullying. I'd say she needed better friends. However, whether or not I have the strength to live up to my own convictions has yet to be seen. Most of the people aren't what I would call friends. They are people I know who are in my social circle. But who we chose to surround ourselves with is very telling. Despite what they claim, they aren't willing to stand up publicly and say 'This is not behavior we tolerate'.

More then that, it's not just having friends who behave poorly. Everyone has them. It's the resounding silence or outright approval of it, I object too. Only one person, was willing to even say to this man his words were an issue, and he wasn't willing to do it publicly. People have been willing to talk behind others back and say they agree with me...but will not do so publicly. As far as I know he as suffered no social repercussions, but when I speak about my issues I'm being a 'drama queen'. I'm not entirely certain who have issues with the most, the man who bullied me, the 'friends' who sat by and pretended it didn't happen, that it was something else, or myself.

I can't help but wondering if they're right. That it is no big deal. But it is a big a deal. It's a huge deal. I let (and continue to let) a man's word scare me into behaving differently. I let my fear of others comments about the situation scare me into silence. I let their discomfort at having a cruel bully for friend, dictate what I say on the subject. They tell me he's a good man, because he's in the military. He's never apologized, never admitted any wrong doing. His defense was he didn't threaten me, he threatened another woman. The social circle either, sat by silently, or laughed at my expense. I'm not the only he's done this too, but his threats and bullying are allowed to continue because of silence. I feel as if I've been betrayed by an entire community. Not because it happened, but because they want me to pretend it didn't happen and stay silent and do nothing. So far, I've been doing exactly that. I don't want to do it anymore.

Hoarding

Someone asked me why my mother being a hoarder was such a big deal. Here's a list of things that might help explain that. The order is fairly random and not necessarily chronological.

1. I spent the entire time I was in high school, sleeping on a toddler bed, with springs poking out of the mattress that used to give me scratches. Despite the bed drawing blood on numerous occasions, she wouldn't replace it.

2. I could never have friends over because the house was too messy. If I tried to clean anything because it bothered me, there was a big fight. I was accused of passive/aggressively trying to make her clean something. To this day, I have to catch myself from doing the same thing when other people (including my husband) help me clean.

3. My mother considered me a tool to be used rather then a person. She had no problems with using me as a bargaining chip to get more money from my father. While my stepfather never laid a hand on me in a sexual manner, my mother made it clear that she would do nothing if he chose too.

4. I was never as important has my mother's stuff. Even when money was tight, clothes, school supplies, and whatever else I needed was usually bought with someone else s money because she had better things to spend her money on.

5. Hoarding involves a certain amount of narcissism you notice in small things. On a drive to visit my brother for Christmas, it was insisted that I go. I had to ride in the back seat, with the #100 Labrador, and no heat. Since my mother couldn't sit in the car for the 13 hour drive we had to spend the night in a hotel. My parents went out to dinner, leaving me in the hotel room to babysit the dog. The dog got a steak dinner, they brought me back Mcdonalds. The point of all this: so my mother could prove to her mother that she was a good mother and grandmother herself.

6. Never once, in my entire childhood, were my sleep issues acknowledged or addressed. Despite sleepwalking as a child, going night after night on little to know sleep, being awake to hear the mice chewing on the walls, my mother snoring down the hall...etc, I was just a light sleeper.

7. To this day I have issues with cleaning. My mother's way of cleaning was let everything pile up, then frantically throw everything in a box and out into the shed. Nothing was sorted, or ever thrown out. Even when things are a mess and I don't like, it's hard for me to clean it, just to make myself feel better about it. There's this ingrained idea somewhere in the depths of my consciousness that I don't deserve better.

8. Many people have asked, why I didn't go live with my father, since I did have that option. My mother made sure to tell me that I would never be happy. That there was something wrong with living in a clean house, it was too 'perfect'. That there was something wrong with someone who kept her house like that. More importantly, I was “HER” daughter and I shouldn't live anywhere else. I was part of the hoard.

9. I needed financial aid for college. My mother didn't finish her taxes in time for me to fill out a Fafsa after I graduated. I had to stay at home for a year, until I finally did most of them and all she had to do was sign it. This may sound trivial to an adult, but for a 17 year old who wasn't even allowed to be in a car with anyone but her parents, it was a big deal.

Everything about my mother's hoarding was a big deal. So big, that even now she's dead, I'm still cleaning up the psychological hoard.

Once more...with feeeeeeling.

After a year I feel compelled to go back to this blog. A lot has happened since I last posted. I won't bother with the catch up, that will happen in time. But, however, I hope I will keep writing and, sometimes, read what I have already written to remember what I have learned.