SlutWalk issues

One of the things I keep noticing in a lot of the discussions about SlutWalk is: no one is making a distinction between tactical decisions to actually protect oneself and moral judgments. Discussing tactical decisions is necessary, but that has to be based on what actually happens and needs to be concrete suggestions. For example: Don't wear a skirt so tight it hampers your movements and keeps you from running. That is a tactical suggestion. Don't dress provocatively because it makes you a target. That is a moral judgement. Both 'provocatively' and 'short' are unclear and have different interpretations. If you are going to discuss skirt length, in tactical fashion, you have to get into concrete details, what is to short, how many inches...etc. If you are not discussing concrete details, you run the risk of drifting into moral judgement.

There is also what I call, security blanket beliefs. Things that make you feel safer, but may not have any tactical value. I have my own security blanket belief that is not backed up by data. I believe that a woman is safer for owning a gun. Now, if you look at the data available, I have my doubts about that, tactically. Most rapists are already in the circle of trust of the victim, friends, partners, family...etc. Having to actually shoot someone and potentially take a life is an incredibly traumatic decision to begin with, compounding it with the person to be shot being close to you, odds are good the gun won't be used.

I'm not sure owning a gun actually makes a woman (or anyone else) safer, but it makes me feel better. I think that when it comes to clothing and sexual promiscuity, many people tell themselves that they can't be victims because they don't dress slutty and don't sleep around. This belief doesn't make them safer, it makes feel better. Part of where much of the damage comes in, is, this belief is so ingrained that when tragedy strikes, and someone is assaulted and raped, not only is their shield of belief shattered, but that belief says they must have done something wrong. It's a belief structure rooted in the concept that you know what a rapist is, how to avoid being a target, and randomness doesn't exist. When all of these turn out to wrong, then victim blaming comes in. Not only does the victim blame themselves, but the people around them, who have similar belief structures, have to blame the victim, or acknowledge that their belief structures are equally flawed.

In my opinion, part of why there has been such a vehement response to SlutWalks all over, is because SlutWalk is directly challenging that belief structure. It brings to the open what, the culture as a whole, wants to ignore. It points out that the culture's belief structure is wrong. It strips people their security blanket beliefs and doesn't replace them with anything. This isn't a criticism, just what I think. It isn't the job for SlutWalk to provide anyone a belief structure, it's each individual's personal responsibility to create a new belief structure that is less damaging to themselves and others. It's a communities job to help with that, but even a community can't do it all.

I think this is why there are so many people who confuse moral judgement and tactics. Also why they are so strongly against the protest. They want to defend the ideas that make them feel safe. I just think it's a useful discussion to see what ideas actually make you safe and what doesn't, as well as what potential harm can a security blanket belief cause.

Action

I've made a decision today. I'm going to take all the evidence I have about my bully, for my situation and where he accuses someone else of statutory rape to the police. I have no idea if they will take it seriously. But I'm tired of doing nothing. All of the threats and accusations he's made, were on, either, public blogs or Facebook. That's pretty much as public as you can get. So I am not betraying any confidences. Honestly, if he had made statements to me in private, I'd still turn it over. I waited for a month for the pagan community to do something, say something to him. If they have, I don't know about it and it didn't work. He has repeatedly maintained that he is perfectly sane and rational, and that he means the threats he makes. He doesn't have to back down from his threats, his wife and friends do it for him. I'm going to treat him like the rational man he says he is. When rational people make threats, accuse others of reprehensible behavior, and are generally belligerent, other rational people take them seriously and call the cops. So that's what I'm going to do. Unless I am on a jury, it is not my job to determine if someone is committing an illegal action. That is the job of the courts. It's my job to report anything I think might be illegal. I know this means they'll think it's nothing and do nothing. But I'm willing to take that risk. At the very least if my bully actually does do something in the future, there will be report of it and an established pattern of behavior. More then that, it's actually doing something real, rather then just whinging on about how awful he is, while he does this to other people.

Karma

Community is a funny thing. Even when it's weak there is still camaraderie. Even when they have proven themselves to turn a blind and ignore damaging behavior, you still miss them. A man who traumatized and bullied, is now wrestling with similar issues I have about him. Statements were made, and I was criticized for over reacting. Despite the fact that he has threatened people before. It was my fault for taking what he said seriously, not his fault for saying. Bullying me into silence, is criminal behavior. We are, and there is still time for, considering legal action. This behavior was downplayed, ignored, and met with apathy because people didn't want drama.

Now, this man is encountering behavior that he considers criminal. Going so far as to call another man a pedophile. Near as I can tell the man is too old to be talking to 16 year old girls and this offends my bully. He is, however, afraid of community reaction. He may be right in saying this man 'puts out a creepy vibe'. I don't know. I don't know the people involved. I do know that treating the 16 year old girl like she has no agency in the situation is offensive to me. As far as I can tell from his writings, no criminal activity has actually been committed. This is not a case of sexual assault or rape. This a case of a man talking to a teenage girl, in public, and my bully feeling like it's creepy. If there is more to the story he hasn't written it.

I don't expect there to be a huge outcry. The community did nothing when presented with my bullies criminal behavior, I don't expect them to do anything for this, even if there is criminal behavior. I do, however, enjoy watching him rail about how much he hates this man and how helpless he feels because the community won't back him up. Funny, I feel the same way about him. I feel as if I was bullied out of the community because of him and no one was willing to say or do anything about it. He's very active in the community and I feel as though I can not be. Am I still afraid of him...yes, to be honest. I'm a little worried that he still might do something out of anger, especially if I go to the police. More then that, I'm worried about he'll say behind my back.

Do I think he will realize he is exactly the sort of man that makes people afraid of him, not in anyway he'll admit. He likes being a bully and he likes having friends that will say he's 'blowing steam' or 'is just kidding' when he says something threatening, so he doesn't have to. He can maintain the illusion that he is always a man of his word and he does what he say's he'll do, because his friends will jump in save face and victim blame. I enjoy watching him wrestle with some of the same issues, I still wrestle with because him. I don't ever think he will understand, but I enjoy it just the same.

Invitation to touch?

As a supporter and planned attendee of my local SlutWalk one of the most common criticisms is that certain clothes are an 'invitation to touch'. Which got me thinking. It isn't just clothes that some people consider an invitation, pregnancy is also perceived as such. For some reason, as many mothers will attest too, having a visibly pregnant belly means some people feel they have the right to come up to a total stranger and rub the belly. Most people would agree that I, and any other pregnant woman, have the right to go shopping, go to work, and generally go about our day, and not try to hide a pregnant belly. Any reasonable person would also think we have the right to say 'Don't touch me' and have it respected.

However, if you apply the same logic to a pregnant woman that most people apply to a woman who is dressed 'provocatively' or just in very little clothing, this isn't so. People tell women constantly, that they should be aware of how they dress and that some people will see it as an invitation, not only to touch, but for sex. There is also an unspoken message that if you dress a certain way, you do not have the right to have 'Don't touch me' be respected. You clothes sent the invitation it's your fault if someone accepts.

If I apply the same logic to pregnancy, then I don't have the right to tell random strangers, my friends, my husband, or anyone else 'Don't touch me'. Simply by being in their presence and being visibly pregnant, I’m tempting them. Because some people see that as an invitation. If I didn't want random people rubbing my belly, it would be my responsibility to either, hide in my house until I gave birth or dress in layers to hide my belly. The logic is that the people touching have no responsibility to keep their hands to themselves because I'm inviting them to touch me, simply by being pregnant and in public, and they can't help themselves. Me explicitly saying 'No' doesn't matter. I sent out the invitation.

Despite the fact that many studies have shown, repeatedly, that dress has very little to do with rape or assault, and that most victims know their tormentors, society still puts the onus on women to not dress like sluts. The logic breaks down in any other context. No one tells people to not make your house look nice, because it attracts burglars. No one says don't buy a nice, new car, because it attracts car thieves. Neither are rich people blamed for being robbed, if they have a nice car or house. No one tells pregnant women they shouldn't leave the house because their bellies will invite people to touch. But the culture still has this illusion that “if you don't want to get raped, don't dress like a slut”.

The other thing that makes this myth so dangerous is the unspoken flip side. That there is a manner of dress that can protect you from rape. There isn't. There has never been a court case were the defense said “That 2 year old was dressed like a slut and was asking for it. It was totally consensual. He showed me his diaper!” But for grown women, this is a valid defense. Even after being found guilty of rape, how a woman was dressed at the time of the rape, can be used as a mitigating factor for sentencing. Despite the fact that dress doesn't matter. Nun's get raped, in their habits. Women in burquas get raped. Men in jeans get raped. Children get raped. Maintaining the myth that 'dressing like slut' has anything to do with rape or any other assault, is victim-blaming and a perpetuation of rape culture, pure and simple. There is nothing else behind it.

GTFO!!!

So we have a roommate who is practically family. A friend who was Best Man at our wedding and we've known for 15 years. Almost 10 of that we've lived with him. When we bought our house about 6 years ago, it was perfect for having an apartment downstairs. He's rented from us for the last 4 years (in this house) and it has helped out with the mortgage. Except for the year-ish he didn't pay rent at all. The problem now, is he was given notice in January that he'd have to move in May, because we have a baby on the way. He knows that we have to do some remodeling, carpet replacement etc... The reason he is not out yet...wait for it...is he didn't have time to do anything because of school. His solution, rather then go through his shit, purge/pack and be a grown up, was to too churn for a week while were gone, look at one apartment, and sign up for more classes. So with 5 months notice, he couldn't manage to pack and find an apartment. This is a man I've been honest with. He knows about my history with hoarding. He knows that I find his level of clutter and attachment to stuff to be triggering, and I've flat out told him he's a hoarder and needs therapy. He is not an abusive hoarder or one that does guilt trips. He's friendly, fun, nods and listens to all you have to say, and responds with all the right things. Then goes and does whatever he damn well pleases. He wasn't a hoarder before he moved into this house, but he certainly is one now, even if it is in just the early stages. While I've told him my feelings, I don't think he grasps just how bitchtastic I'm going to be over this. Under these circumstances, I would throw my own mother out on the street, where she still alive. Why? Because it's not my fault he doesn't have anywhere to go. It's not even a financial issue...he can afford an apartment, he just hasn't looked. On top of all the hoarding issues, he's got to deal with the added bonus of upsetting the hormonal pregnant lady and interfering with her nesting. My husband is trying to get him out in the next week, so I won't enact 'nuclear protocols' that insure we never speak again.

Silence

I want to raise my daughter to be strong, to not be bullied, to not be afraid of what others might say. However, how can I do this, if can't do it myself. I am afraid of particular person, a man. I am not afraid of he'll do to me. I, honestly think, he is a coward. But cowards can sometimes be worse. What I truly afraid of is the social repercussions. My social circle is one that doesn't like to choose sides. That prefers to turn a blind eye to cruel or bullying behavior rather then stand against. They are also fond of victim blaming. Now we aren't talking about them ignoring physical violence, but words. They have no problems with allowing a man and being friends with a man who bullies people, especially women, because he sees them as weak. I have no doubt, and I've seen it, that should I actually try to stand up against this and point this out, I will be ridiculed. I was called a 'pregnant drama bomb' because I was genuinely afraid of him in the first place. But now, a few months later. It's not just him. I am not comfortable with commenting on pages that he does, despite having mutual friends. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having mutual friends. If my daughter was friends with someone who bullied people or friends with people who criticized the victims of bullying. I'd say she needed better friends. However, whether or not I have the strength to live up to my own convictions has yet to be seen. Most of the people aren't what I would call friends. They are people I know who are in my social circle. But who we chose to surround ourselves with is very telling. Despite what they claim, they aren't willing to stand up publicly and say 'This is not behavior we tolerate'.

More then that, it's not just having friends who behave poorly. Everyone has them. It's the resounding silence or outright approval of it, I object too. Only one person, was willing to even say to this man his words were an issue, and he wasn't willing to do it publicly. People have been willing to talk behind others back and say they agree with me...but will not do so publicly. As far as I know he as suffered no social repercussions, but when I speak about my issues I'm being a 'drama queen'. I'm not entirely certain who have issues with the most, the man who bullied me, the 'friends' who sat by and pretended it didn't happen, that it was something else, or myself.

I can't help but wondering if they're right. That it is no big deal. But it is a big a deal. It's a huge deal. I let (and continue to let) a man's word scare me into behaving differently. I let my fear of others comments about the situation scare me into silence. I let their discomfort at having a cruel bully for friend, dictate what I say on the subject. They tell me he's a good man, because he's in the military. He's never apologized, never admitted any wrong doing. His defense was he didn't threaten me, he threatened another woman. The social circle either, sat by silently, or laughed at my expense. I'm not the only he's done this too, but his threats and bullying are allowed to continue because of silence. I feel as if I've been betrayed by an entire community. Not because it happened, but because they want me to pretend it didn't happen and stay silent and do nothing. So far, I've been doing exactly that. I don't want to do it anymore.

Hoarding

Someone asked me why my mother being a hoarder was such a big deal. Here's a list of things that might help explain that. The order is fairly random and not necessarily chronological.

1. I spent the entire time I was in high school, sleeping on a toddler bed, with springs poking out of the mattress that used to give me scratches. Despite the bed drawing blood on numerous occasions, she wouldn't replace it.

2. I could never have friends over because the house was too messy. If I tried to clean anything because it bothered me, there was a big fight. I was accused of passive/aggressively trying to make her clean something. To this day, I have to catch myself from doing the same thing when other people (including my husband) help me clean.

3. My mother considered me a tool to be used rather then a person. She had no problems with using me as a bargaining chip to get more money from my father. While my stepfather never laid a hand on me in a sexual manner, my mother made it clear that she would do nothing if he chose too.

4. I was never as important has my mother's stuff. Even when money was tight, clothes, school supplies, and whatever else I needed was usually bought with someone else s money because she had better things to spend her money on.

5. Hoarding involves a certain amount of narcissism you notice in small things. On a drive to visit my brother for Christmas, it was insisted that I go. I had to ride in the back seat, with the #100 Labrador, and no heat. Since my mother couldn't sit in the car for the 13 hour drive we had to spend the night in a hotel. My parents went out to dinner, leaving me in the hotel room to babysit the dog. The dog got a steak dinner, they brought me back Mcdonalds. The point of all this: so my mother could prove to her mother that she was a good mother and grandmother herself.

6. Never once, in my entire childhood, were my sleep issues acknowledged or addressed. Despite sleepwalking as a child, going night after night on little to know sleep, being awake to hear the mice chewing on the walls, my mother snoring down the hall...etc, I was just a light sleeper.

7. To this day I have issues with cleaning. My mother's way of cleaning was let everything pile up, then frantically throw everything in a box and out into the shed. Nothing was sorted, or ever thrown out. Even when things are a mess and I don't like, it's hard for me to clean it, just to make myself feel better about it. There's this ingrained idea somewhere in the depths of my consciousness that I don't deserve better.

8. Many people have asked, why I didn't go live with my father, since I did have that option. My mother made sure to tell me that I would never be happy. That there was something wrong with living in a clean house, it was too 'perfect'. That there was something wrong with someone who kept her house like that. More importantly, I was “HER” daughter and I shouldn't live anywhere else. I was part of the hoard.

9. I needed financial aid for college. My mother didn't finish her taxes in time for me to fill out a Fafsa after I graduated. I had to stay at home for a year, until I finally did most of them and all she had to do was sign it. This may sound trivial to an adult, but for a 17 year old who wasn't even allowed to be in a car with anyone but her parents, it was a big deal.

Everything about my mother's hoarding was a big deal. So big, that even now she's dead, I'm still cleaning up the psychological hoard.

Once more...with feeeeeeling.

After a year I feel compelled to go back to this blog. A lot has happened since I last posted. I won't bother with the catch up, that will happen in time. But, however, I hope I will keep writing and, sometimes, read what I have already written to remember what I have learned.