Rants of a Housetart

All you had to do was nothing!

2011-07-19T14:43:00.002-06:00

My bully has decided to write his own post on bullying. I find interesting that he is accusing those he is angry at, of bullying. Not him, of course, he's too manly and strong for that, but he does define it.

1bul·ly
noun \ˈbu̇-lē, ˈbə-\
plural bullies
Definition of BULLY
1
archaic a : sweetheart b : a fine chap
2
a : a blustering browbeating person; especially : one habitually cruel to others who are weaker b : pimp
3
: a hired ruffian
Origin of BULLY
probably from Middle Dutch boele lover; akin to Middle Low German bōle lover, Middle High German buole
First Known Use: 1538

That is the definition he posted. He goes on to further define, himself, that bullying only happens to children, pre-teens, and teens and by the same. Implying that adults can not, in anyway, be the victim of or be a bully. I look at the definition: a blustering browbeating person: especially : one habitually cruel to others who are weaker. I don't see ages of the people involved in that definition. Now, whether or not women are weaker then my bully, he thinks they are. Anyone who refers to women as sluts, whores, bitches and refers to their genitalia as “sausage wallet” and does so, repeatedly, with the intent to cause emotional harm (i.e. he's not using it in a joking manner or between friends) is habitually cruel.

He says you can define an act of bullying by the end result. Well if the end result is a woman despising him, being intimidated by him, and feeling as if her only recourse is the law, then what does that say of your actions? Now if you're my bully, that says nothing about your actions because everything you do is right. (Yes there is sarcasm there) It just says the woman in question is delusional. He maintains that any perceived threat against me from him, is just that, my delusional perception. While maintaining, however, that he is quite capable of violence, just that I am not worth it. However, I am not worth ignoring either. All he had to do was nothing. NOT talk about, NOT mention me in his rantings, and NOT give me attention. He couldn't do that. I am, however, supposed to be reassured because he deems me not worthy of violence?

What disturbs me is he is focusing his ire on me, due to an incident that I have nothing to do with. He is mad at another woman, therefore must be mad at me also. What else is he going to get angry about, that he decides I'm a part of? If what gets his attention is him being mad at anything female, then he will never leave me alone. Whether or not I have anything to with what he's pissed about clearly doesn't matter. Since I don't know what does it, then how can I not piss him off. More importantly, if he's not a bully, why should I have to worry about it?

Let it go?! Why?

2011-07-16T13:31:00.001-06:00

Why can't I let it the whole issue with my bully go. I've been told I should. That he's not worth the trouble. But here's my question: Why should I let it go? Would he let it go if someone called his wife a bitch, slut, cheerleader, little soul whore, or pyscho princess? Would he tell he she needed psychiatric help because she didn't like it and told the person who called her such things? No. From his writings he'd, most likely, react strongly and angrily. So why is my anger any less justified? I was wronged. I demand an apology, not only for me, but for everyone he has specifically insulted, threatened, and libeled.

He says “To sum it up in case its not clear. I own my actions. I own my words. If you have issues with them, take them up with ME. Not my wife. Not my friends. Not my family. If you don't have the spine to do it, then maybe its not worth being said. If you are afraid of the reaction to the words you want to say, maybe they are not that important to you. If you are not willing to face the consequences to your actions then maybe you shouldn't engage in those actions. “ Well I tried. I confronted him directly over email and he blocked me. How is that owning his words? I didn't go to anyone but him, and he refused to acknowledge his behavior. He boasts about the consequences others should face if they make him angry, but runs from the consequences of his own words. He will not face the anger of one woman who doesn't like being called a bitch or crazy. I would like to take up my issues with him, he won't face me.

Why can't I let it go, people ask. I say, why should I? He's a misogynistic asshole who chooses what he thinks are weak targets. Anyone who knows him should be angry at what he says. If he has a right to spread his hatred and cruelty, then I have a right to angry about and say so. Give me one reason I should 'let it go' and just ignore him? Ignoring my bully is like walking away when you see someone getting beat in an alley. Anyone who ignores him, does nothing, or supports him, should be ashamed of themselves.

Unimportant Rant about people upset at Netflix

2011-07-15T13:01:00.001-06:00

For those who aren't in the know, as of Sept. 1, Netflix is raising their prices. The cost of DVD rental has gone up and getting the rights to stream movies has always been a little pricy. Now, they are separating out their DVD rental service and streaming service. If you just want one or the other, you can get it cheaper. Their current premium deal is about 19$ a month. This gives you 3 DVD's at a time and unlimited streaming. This is damned cheap, in my opinion. It's less then the price of two movie tickets. Under the new pricing scheme if you want both it's 24$ a month. If you want to split up because you think the streaming or DVD's suck, streaming is 8$ and DVD's start at 16$.

I have no problems with people who are revisiting the issues and deciding if they want to pay for the service. That is what they should be doing. What I don't understand is why are people getting pissed off? “Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.” The current generation has no issue with paying 10-15$ for one movie ticket. Yet, Netflix splits their services and raises their prices to, at worst, 30$ a month and it's the end of the world. That price is dependent on how many DVD's you want out an any given time. 30$ gives you 4 DVD's and unlimited streaming, 24$ is 3, 20$ is 2 and 16$ is 1. So, depending on your choices, your prices might go down.

DVD's should cost more the streaming. Streaming movies to multiple sources isn't that much more expensive once you have the rights to stream the movie at all. Streaming to one is about the same, cost wise, as streaming to many. DVD's on the other hand, are more expensive. You are limited by how many physical copies you have, you have to pay cost of shipping, storage fees for where the DVD's sit when they are not being loaned out, replacing them, care and cleaning, etc. That costs more then streaming and now those costs are being reflected in the price and not an unreasonable price at that.

I think splitting up the services is a great idea. Not everyone uses both. I do and am happy to pay for both, because it's worth it to me. However, many people consider the streaming to be crap and never use it. Just as many people never get DVD's and just use the streaming. For these people the deal is actually cheaper. All you have to pay for is the service you use, rather then both.

I might even go up to 30$ for that extra movie, but I haven't decided yet. Netflix is a business. It's job is to make money. They have no moral obligation to keep their prices at the same rates forever. If you don't like it, drop the service. You are not owed cheap entertainment. It's movies. It's not food, medication or housing. You can live without Netflix. If you can't afford or do not want to pay for the service, there is a public library near you that will give you books, movies, and music, for what you've already paid for in taxes and you pay those taxes anyway whether you use the service or not.

Cowardic

2011-07-15T00:36:00.000-06:00

When drama happens, it happens all once. Part of the drama involved my bully, bringing up the whole mess that happened back in March, when he threatened people from Iraq. Because of an incident that pissed him off involving a pagan organization that I have nothing to do with, he decided to insult me. He called me a bitch and a few other choice names. This was an unprovoked attack. I have nothing do with the incident he was pissed about or the pagan community. He also insulted some of the other women who were involved. Normally I abhor sexism in any fashion, including chivalry (that's another post) but I find it interesting that he generally, only picks on women, teenage boys, or men who are pacifists. In other words, those he perceives as easy targets. I sent him an email, which I made public and told him I would, confronting him, telling him I would not tolerate his behavior and to leave me out of whatever issues he has. His response was to tell me I needed psychiatric help, then he did the cyber equivalent of running away. He blocked me. This man, whom I have had no contact with since March, who repeatedly says that if you have a problem with him, confront him, can't handle a confrontation. He called me a bitch, but I need psychiatric help when I tell him to leave me out of his issues. His blog consists of self-congratulatory mental masturbation and outright abuse of anyone he disapproves of. Which is anyone who doesn't agree with him. Apparently he can only be strident and unforgiving when he is surrounded by people who pat him on the back and tell him how right he is. Any dissenting voice is quickly silenced and ignored. You'd think an adult would be beyond bullying, but that isn't true. However, standing up and watching your bully slink away and hide behind a cyber shield, because he's afraid to man up to what he's said, helps a great deal. He's a coward that can not handle any confrontation. I suspect the only confrontation he desires (if he desires any at all) is one in person, so he can always resort to violence.

I am almost disappointed in his cowardice. I expected a man who would stand by his words with conviction. Instead he does not recant, apologize, or stand by them. Merely runs away back to the group of sycophants who will tell him how awesome he is. His cowardice has been exposed, however my goal now, is to not become the beast. It will be very difficult because he truly deserves it. But it is not my place to met out justice or karma. Hopefully I can manage to not become him.

My mother's final lesson

2011-07-08T21:05:00.000-06:00

As CoH's (Children of Hoarders) we try to protect our HP's (Hoarder Parents) from the inevitable consequences of their own actions. Whether it's trying to keep them from getting sick because they eat spoiled food, aren't very mobile in their mess, or, dying in their hoard. The final lesson my HM ever taught me, was that you can't do this. They will always suffer the consequences of their choices, up and including death. For the longest time I felt guilty because my mother died, alone, in a messy house. It's not like I'm advocating anyone to just walk away. I didn't. I spent 3 months in Texas (I live in Denver) taking care of her, making trips to Houston, getting her diagnosed and setting up chemo treatments. I went home, with the plan to return when it was time for her surgery. She died about three weeks after left. I would have liked to clean more on the house, but she wouldn't allow me to get any help. I was the only one she would let do anything. I was criticized by my cousins and other family who lived down there (whom she wouldn't allow to do anything for her) because the house was a mess and because I left. The didn't understand at all what it was like before I cleaned. She wouldn't let them in the house. Neither did they understand how stressful those three months were and I needed time to be home with my husband.

The point of the ramble is that I tried everything I could, including drawing up a will, which she never signed, to save her. I tried to convince her to go to a doctor before the cancer was bad. She was a grown woman of 63 years old. Legally, she was mentally competent. This means that her decisions are decisions that have to be respected. Despite the fact that she killed herself with neglect, I have to recognize that it was her choice to do such. It is hard, when the consequences are illness and death, to just let a hoarder suffer, but sometimes, all the efforts we make just won't change anything. Nothing I could've done would've saved my mother. It's a hard lesson for me to accept, but you can't always save a person. No matter how much you try, your efforts will be futile. Whether or not you continue to try is a personal choice, but feeling guilt for not saving them, shouldn't ever happen. You can't change a persons course in life, if they are determined. You can not save a person who doesn't want to be saved. Despite what anyone says, you are not to blame, you should not feel guilty, and dealing with your own life is perfectly reasonable.

Why men should go to SlutWalk

2011-07-01T15:04:00.000-06:00

99% of all rapists are men. It's sad but true. The core concept of the slut shaming ideal that if you don't want to get raped don't dress like a slut, is that you draw the attention of these men. That, somehow, a woman's dress causes these men to rape. That men are so weak willed before the power of the almighty penis, that they simply can't help themselves but to rape a scantily clad woman. Not only do men, in general, seem to not offended by this, but a great number seem to agree and encourage it.

This is not just a women’s issue. Since it is, primarily, men who commit rape, claiming that men are too weak willed to stop themselves is degrading and dehumanizing to all the men who don't rape. All men should be outraged at the idea that they can't control themselves. All men should be outraged at the implication that any man will turn rapist because he saw a flash of thigh or cleavage.

Before I said I was attending this even for my daughter, but the more I read comments on the sight, from both men and women, I realize that it is also for my husband. Because women are being trained to fear him, simply because he is male. Women are being told that all men are potential rapists because all men are animals who can't control themselves. My husband is not rapist. My husband is even more of a feminist then I am. This is an opportunity for men to stand up and say “I'm not a rapist. I can control myself no matter what a woman wears and I am not someone who needs to feared.”

SlutWalk issues

2011-06-26T01:13:00.001-06:00

One of the things I keep noticing in a lot of the discussions about SlutWalk is: no one is making a distinction between tactical decisions to actually protect oneself and moral judgments. Discussing tactical decisions is necessary, but that has to be based on what actually happens and needs to be concrete suggestions. For example: Don't wear a skirt so tight it hampers your movements and keeps you from running. That is a tactical suggestion. Don't dress provocatively because it makes you a target. That is a moral judgement. Both 'provocatively' and 'short' are unclear and have different interpretations. If you are going to discuss skirt length, in tactical fashion, you have to get into concrete details, what is to short, how many inches...etc. If you are not discussing concrete details, you run the risk of drifting into moral judgement.

There is also what I call, security blanket beliefs. Things that make you feel safer, but may not have any tactical value. I have my own security blanket belief that is not backed up by data. I believe that a woman is safer for owning a gun. Now, if you look at the data available, I have my doubts about that, tactically. Most rapists are already in the circle of trust of the victim, friends, partners, family...etc. Having to actually shoot someone and potentially take a life is an incredibly traumatic decision to begin with, compounding it with the person to be shot being close to you, odds are good the gun won't be used.

I'm not sure owning a gun actually makes a woman (or anyone else) safer, but it makes me feel better. I think that when it comes to clothing and sexual promiscuity, many people tell themselves that they can't be victims because they don't dress slutty and don't sleep around. This belief doesn't make them safer, it makes feel better. Part of where much of the damage comes in, is, this belief is so ingrained that when tragedy strikes, and someone is assaulted and raped, not only is their shield of belief shattered, but that belief says they must have done something wrong. It's a belief structure rooted in the concept that you know what a rapist is, how to avoid being a target, and randomness doesn't exist. When all of these turn out to wrong, then victim blaming comes in. Not only does the victim blame themselves, but the people around them, who have similar belief structures, have to blame the victim, or acknowledge that their belief structures are equally flawed.

In my opinion, part of why there has been such a vehement response to SlutWalks all over, is because SlutWalk is directly challenging that belief structure. It brings to the open what, the culture as a whole, wants to ignore. It points out that the culture's belief structure is wrong. It strips people their security blanket beliefs and doesn't replace them with anything. This isn't a criticism, just what I think. It isn't the job for SlutWalk to provide anyone a belief structure, it's each individual's personal responsibility to create a new belief structure that is less damaging to themselves and others. It's a communities job to help with that, but even a community can't do it all.

I think this is why there are so many people who confuse moral judgement and tactics. Also why they are so strongly against the protest. They want to defend the ideas that make them feel safe. I just think it's a useful discussion to see what ideas actually make you safe and what doesn't, as well as what potential harm can a security blanket belief cause.

Action

2011-06-23T13:30:00.000-06:00

I've made a decision today. I'm going to take all the evidence I have about my bully, for my situation and where he accuses someone else of statutory rape to the police. I have no idea if they will take it seriously. But I'm tired of doing nothing. All of the threats and accusations he's made, were on, either, public blogs or Facebook. That's pretty much as public as you can get. So I am not betraying any confidences. Honestly, if he had made statements to me in private, I'd still turn it over. I waited for a month for the pagan community to do something, say something to him. If they have, I don't know about it and it didn't work. He has repeatedly maintained that he is perfectly sane and rational, and that he means the threats he makes. He doesn't have to back down from his threats, his wife and friends do it for him. I'm going to treat him like the rational man he says he is. When rational people make threats, accuse others of reprehensible behavior, and are generally belligerent, other rational people take them seriously and call the cops. So that's what I'm going to do. Unless I am on a jury, it is not my job to determine if someone is committing an illegal action. That is the job of the courts. It's my job to report anything I think might be illegal. I know this means they'll think it's nothing and do nothing. But I'm willing to take that risk. At the very least if my bully actually does do something in the future, there will be report of it and an established pattern of behavior. More then that, it's actually doing something real, rather then just whinging on about how awful he is, while he does this to other people.

Karma

2011-06-22T13:02:00.001-06:00

Community is a funny thing. Even when it's weak there is still camaraderie. Even when they have proven themselves to turn a blind and ignore damaging behavior, you still miss them. A man who traumatized and bullied, is now wrestling with similar issues I have about him. Statements were made, and I was criticized for over reacting. Despite the fact that he has threatened people before. It was my fault for taking what he said seriously, not his fault for saying. Bullying me into silence, is criminal behavior. We are, and there is still time for, considering legal action. This behavior was downplayed, ignored, and met with apathy because people didn't want drama.

Now, this man is encountering behavior that he considers criminal. Going so far as to call another man a pedophile. Near as I can tell the man is too old to be talking to 16 year old girls and this offends my bully. He is, however, afraid of community reaction. He may be right in saying this man 'puts out a creepy vibe'. I don't know. I don't know the people involved. I do know that treating the 16 year old girl like she has no agency in the situation is offensive to me. As far as I can tell from his writings, no criminal activity has actually been committed. This is not a case of sexual assault or rape. This a case of a man talking to a teenage girl, in public, and my bully feeling like it's creepy. If there is more to the story he hasn't written it.

I don't expect there to be a huge outcry. The community did nothing when presented with my bullies criminal behavior, I don't expect them to do anything for this, even if there is criminal behavior. I do, however, enjoy watching him rail about how much he hates this man and how helpless he feels because the community won't back him up. Funny, I feel the same way about him. I feel as if I was bullied out of the community because of him and no one was willing to say or do anything about it. He's very active in the community and I feel as though I can not be. Am I still afraid of him...yes, to be honest. I'm a little worried that he still might do something out of anger, especially if I go to the police. More then that, I'm worried about he'll say behind my back.

Do I think he will realize he is exactly the sort of man that makes people afraid of him, not in anyway he'll admit. He likes being a bully and he likes having friends that will say he's 'blowing steam' or 'is just kidding' when he says something threatening, so he doesn't have to. He can maintain the illusion that he is always a man of his word and he does what he say's he'll do, because his friends will jump in save face and victim blame. I enjoy watching him wrestle with some of the same issues, I still wrestle with because him. I don't ever think he will understand, but I enjoy it just the same.

Invitation to touch?

2011-06-18T17:11:00.001-06:00

As a supporter and planned attendee of my local SlutWalk one of the most common criticisms is that certain clothes are an 'invitation to touch'. Which got me thinking. It isn't just clothes that some people consider an invitation, pregnancy is also perceived as such. For some reason, as many mothers will attest too, having a visibly pregnant belly means some people feel they have the right to come up to a total stranger and rub the belly. Most people would agree that I, and any other pregnant woman, have the right to go shopping, go to work, and generally go about our day, and not try to hide a pregnant belly. Any reasonable person would also think we have the right to say 'Don't touch me' and have it respected.

However, if you apply the same logic to a pregnant woman that most people apply to a woman who is dressed 'provocatively' or just in very little clothing, this isn't so. People tell women constantly, that they should be aware of how they dress and that some people will see it as an invitation, not only to touch, but for sex. There is also an unspoken message that if you dress a certain way, you do not have the right to have 'Don't touch me' be respected. You clothes sent the invitation it's your fault if someone accepts.

If I apply the same logic to pregnancy, then I don't have the right to tell random strangers, my friends, my husband, or anyone else 'Don't touch me'. Simply by being in their presence and being visibly pregnant, I’m tempting them. Because some people see that as an invitation. If I didn't want random people rubbing my belly, it would be my responsibility to either, hide in my house until I gave birth or dress in layers to hide my belly. The logic is that the people touching have no responsibility to keep their hands to themselves because I'm inviting them to touch me, simply by being pregnant and in public, and they can't help themselves. Me explicitly saying 'No' doesn't matter. I sent out the invitation.

Despite the fact that many studies have shown, repeatedly, that dress has very little to do with rape or assault, and that most victims know their tormentors, society still puts the onus on women to not dress like sluts. The logic breaks down in any other context. No one tells people to not make your house look nice, because it attracts burglars. No one says don't buy a nice, new car, because it attracts car thieves. Neither are rich people blamed for being robbed, if they have a nice car or house. No one tells pregnant women they shouldn't leave the house because their bellies will invite people to touch. But the culture still has this illusion that “if you don't want to get raped, don't dress like a slut”.

The other thing that makes this myth so dangerous is the unspoken flip side. That there is a manner of dress that can protect you from rape. There isn't. There has never been a court case were the defense said “That 2 year old was dressed like a slut and was asking for it. It was totally consensual. He showed me his diaper!” But for grown women, this is a valid defense. Even after being found guilty of rape, how a woman was dressed at the time of the rape, can be used as a mitigating factor for sentencing. Despite the fact that dress doesn't matter. Nun's get raped, in their habits. Women in burquas get raped. Men in jeans get raped. Children get raped. Maintaining the myth that 'dressing like slut' has anything to do with rape or any other assault, is victim-blaming and a perpetuation of rape culture, pure and simple. There is nothing else behind it.

GTFO!!!

2011-06-03T14:30:00.001-06:00

So we have a roommate who is practically family. A friend who was Best Man at our wedding and we've known for 15 years. Almost 10 of that we've lived with him. When we bought our house about 6 years ago, it was perfect for having an apartment downstairs. He's rented from us for the last 4 years (in this house) and it has helped out with the mortgage. Except for the year-ish he didn't pay rent at all. The problem now, is he was given notice in January that he'd have to move in May, because we have a baby on the way. He knows that we have to do some remodeling, carpet replacement etc... The reason he is not out yet...wait for it...is he didn't have time to do anything because of school. His solution, rather then go through his shit, purge/pack and be a grown up, was to too churn for a week while were gone, look at one apartment, and sign up for more classes. So with 5 months notice, he couldn't manage to pack and find an apartment. This is a man I've been honest with. He knows about my history with hoarding. He knows that I find his level of clutter and attachment to stuff to be triggering, and I've flat out told him he's a hoarder and needs therapy. He is not an abusive hoarder or one that does guilt trips. He's friendly, fun, nods and listens to all you have to say, and responds with all the right things. Then goes and does whatever he damn well pleases. He wasn't a hoarder before he moved into this house, but he certainly is one now, even if it is in just the early stages. While I've told him my feelings, I don't think he grasps just how bitchtastic I'm going to be over this. Under these circumstances, I would throw my own mother out on the street, where she still alive. Why? Because it's not my fault he doesn't have anywhere to go. It's not even a financial issue...he can afford an apartment, he just hasn't looked. On top of all the hoarding issues, he's got to deal with the added bonus of upsetting the hormonal pregnant lady and interfering with her nesting. My husband is trying to get him out in the next week, so I won't enact 'nuclear protocols' that insure we never speak again.

Silence

2011-06-02T19:21:00.002-06:00

I want to raise my daughter to be strong, to not be bullied, to not be afraid of what others might say. However, how can I do this, if can't do it myself. I am afraid of particular person, a man. I am not afraid of he'll do to me. I, honestly think, he is a coward. But cowards can sometimes be worse. What I truly afraid of is the social repercussions. My social circle is one that doesn't like to choose sides. That prefers to turn a blind eye to cruel or bullying behavior rather then stand against. They are also fond of victim blaming. Now we aren't talking about them ignoring physical violence, but words. They have no problems with allowing a man and being friends with a man who bullies people, especially women, because he sees them as weak. I have no doubt, and I've seen it, that should I actually try to stand up against this and point this out, I will be ridiculed. I was called a 'pregnant drama bomb' because I was genuinely afraid of him in the first place. But now, a few months later. It's not just him. I am not comfortable with commenting on pages that he does, despite having mutual friends. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having mutual friends. If my daughter was friends with someone who bullied people or friends with people who criticized the victims of bullying. I'd say she needed better friends. However, whether or not I have the strength to live up to my own convictions has yet to be seen. Most of the people aren't what I would call friends. They are people I know who are in my social circle. But who we chose to surround ourselves with is very telling. Despite what they claim, they aren't willing to stand up publicly and say 'This is not behavior we tolerate'.

More then that, it's not just having friends who behave poorly. Everyone has them. It's the resounding silence or outright approval of it, I object too. Only one person, was willing to even say to this man his words were an issue, and he wasn't willing to do it publicly. People have been willing to talk behind others back and say they agree with me...but will not do so publicly. As far as I know he as suffered no social repercussions, but when I speak about my issues I'm being a 'drama queen'. I'm not entirely certain who have issues with the most, the man who bullied me, the 'friends' who sat by and pretended it didn't happen, that it was something else, or myself.

I can't help but wondering if they're right. That it is no big deal. But it is a big a deal. It's a huge deal. I let (and continue to let) a man's word scare me into behaving differently. I let my fear of others comments about the situation scare me into silence. I let their discomfort at having a cruel bully for friend, dictate what I say on the subject. They tell me he's a good man, because he's in the military. He's never apologized, never admitted any wrong doing. His defense was he didn't threaten me, he threatened another woman. The social circle either, sat by silently, or laughed at my expense. I'm not the only he's done this too, but his threats and bullying are allowed to continue because of silence. I feel as if I've been betrayed by an entire community. Not because it happened, but because they want me to pretend it didn't happen and stay silent and do nothing. So far, I've been doing exactly that. I don't want to do it anymore.

Hoarding

2011-06-02T16:46:00.001-06:00

Someone asked me why my mother being a hoarder was such a big deal. Here's a list of things that might help explain that. The order is fairly random and not necessarily chronological.

1. I spent the entire time I was in high school, sleeping on a toddler bed, with springs poking out of the mattress that used to give me scratches. Despite the bed drawing blood on numerous occasions, she wouldn't replace it.

2. I could never have friends over because the house was too messy. If I tried to clean anything because it bothered me, there was a big fight. I was accused of passive/aggressively trying to make her clean something. To this day, I have to catch myself from doing the same thing when other people (including my husband) help me clean.

3. My mother considered me a tool to be used rather then a person. She had no problems with using me as a bargaining chip to get more money from my father. While my stepfather never laid a hand on me in a sexual manner, my mother made it clear that she would do nothing if he chose too.

4. I was never as important has my mother's stuff. Even when money was tight, clothes, school supplies, and whatever else I needed was usually bought with someone else s money because she had better things to spend her money on.

5. Hoarding involves a certain amount of narcissism you notice in small things. On a drive to visit my brother for Christmas, it was insisted that I go. I had to ride in the back seat, with the #100 Labrador, and no heat. Since my mother couldn't sit in the car for the 13 hour drive we had to spend the night in a hotel. My parents went out to dinner, leaving me in the hotel room to babysit the dog. The dog got a steak dinner, they brought me back Mcdonalds. The point of all this: so my mother could prove to her mother that she was a good mother and grandmother herself.

6. Never once, in my entire childhood, were my sleep issues acknowledged or addressed. Despite sleepwalking as a child, going night after night on little to know sleep, being awake to hear the mice chewing on the walls, my mother snoring down the hall...etc, I was just a light sleeper.

7. To this day I have issues with cleaning. My mother's way of cleaning was let everything pile up, then frantically throw everything in a box and out into the shed. Nothing was sorted, or ever thrown out. Even when things are a mess and I don't like, it's hard for me to clean it, just to make myself feel better about it. There's this ingrained idea somewhere in the depths of my consciousness that I don't deserve better.

8. Many people have asked, why I didn't go live with my father, since I did have that option. My mother made sure to tell me that I would never be happy. That there was something wrong with living in a clean house, it was too 'perfect'. That there was something wrong with someone who kept her house like that. More importantly, I was “HER” daughter and I shouldn't live anywhere else. I was part of the hoard.

9. I needed financial aid for college. My mother didn't finish her taxes in time for me to fill out a Fafsa after I graduated. I had to stay at home for a year, until I finally did most of them and all she had to do was sign it. This may sound trivial to an adult, but for a 17 year old who wasn't even allowed to be in a car with anyone but her parents, it was a big deal.

Everything about my mother's hoarding was a big deal. So big, that even now she's dead, I'm still cleaning up the psychological hoard.

Once more...with feeeeeeling.

2011-06-02T16:43:00.000-06:00

After a year I feel compelled to go back to this blog. A lot has happened since I last posted. I won't bother with the catch up, that will happen in time. But, however, I hope I will keep writing and, sometimes, read what I have already written to remember what I have learned.

Religion!!!

2010-04-06T19:49:00.000-06:00

So after a month of pissing, whining, and moaning over a stupid boy, I have decided to invite religion into my life, once again. Those who know me can see just what a dangerous prospect this might. However, traditional religions have never really done it for more. Too structured, too strict…too tidy. This brings to the Principia Discordia, the holy word of Eris herself, given to Malacalypse the younger. Granted this is a blatantly fictitious religion (or is it) but since when does fact have anything to do with religion. Faith and belief have very little to with fact, so why should one’s religion. The ideas espoused and the ideas they spark can be equally valid if the come from fact or fiction. What matters is how much effort and thought you put into it. Discordianism appeals to me on a number of levels, so that’s where my spiritual journey begins.

Consult your pineal gland. One of the important underpinnings of Discordianism, but what does this mean. It’s rather difficult to ask a small bit of the endocrine system in your brain advice. Metaphysically it is connected to the sixth chakra that is linked to prophecy and increased psychic awareness as consciousness ascends. So it could be argued that when Eris says ‘Consult you pineal gland’ she means some sort of vision quest. Scientifically, it is the gland that produces the hormone melatonin that aids sleep and regulates circadian rhythms (and likely a whole host of other things that we haven’t figured out yet. Brains are complicated…yet fun to dissect.) This could make the argument that she means sleep on it before you make a decision. (never bad advice). However, this is Eris so it could also mean, go have a hot dog.

A letter never finished or sent.

2010-02-21T12:53:00.003-07:00

It appears that, once again, I resort to the written word. This time, not because I’m afraid to talk to you in person, but because it’s too painful. Composure isn’t really in my vocabulary right now. Yes, I broke down crying when I saw you at the Brew. While I think some part of you is actually pleased by this, I doubt you know the complexities as to why. I don’t think you quite realized what our time together was like, at least my perception of it.

I sat through many shows, where you asked me to be there, being ignored by you and waiting until the show was done. Then we would go back to your place (never mine because it made you uncomfortable) which you usually didn’t tell me before hand, or made out like it was my decision and you could care less either way. Many times that meant a drive of over half an hour, usually leaving my car, despite it being newer. The parking lot was never safe for Clifford, but perfectly reasonable for Bun-Bun. As if I couldn’t see that you preferred to drive because of control issues, even when you really should not have been behind the wheel. But I accepted and allowed it, going with you. On rare occasions, usually when you were drunk, you’d be happy and loving. I treasure those moments and always will. More often you were caustic, cruel, criticizing everyone and everything that came to you mind, including me. Which I took quietly, with as much grace as I could muster, which wasn’t a lot. Any attempts to try to help you, care for you, or be kind in anyway, was met with scorn. There may or may not be sex, more often then not, you passed out of either alcohol or exhaustion. It was the mornings I grew to love, but even those were mixed. Laying there with you while you slept, those sweet moments of closeness when you where half asleep and didn’t have a problem letting me see how much you cared. It seemed worth it then, that you had no thought for my comfort, in any fashion. You know how much problems I have with sleeping, yet never was there a concern for anything on my behalf. It would be hours before you would finally get me back to car, most of the time without eating. Which I know couldn’t have been healthy for you, but blood sugar affects everyone to some extant. I was feeling ill myself by then, but never told you.

I never seemed much of a concern for you. When my grandmother died, you didn’t bother to check you email, despite that fact that we were conversing. In the weeks after when you knew I was back home, you never once called me to ask how I was doing. It wasn’t until you wanted my attention that you finally called. Whether you just wanted sex or genuinely missed me, I’m still not sure. When told about the blog that I keep, primarily for emotional reasons that few people know about, you proceeded to tell me how you thought blogs were bullshit and didn’t read them. You’ve been a friend on my facebook page for months, and never bothered to read it.

Now you tell me you have read it and I sound like ass. Now, that I’ve told you good bye, you show more concern for me then you ever did when I shared your bed. You demanded a hug from me, in public. This from the man who has denied hugs, kisses, and any other form of affection for various reasons from, “I don’t like public displays” to “ I just had a cigarette.” But you claim you are not behaving differently. You ignore me for weeks at a time and are now asking people after my well being. You’ve never done that. Whether you never bothered to care or didn’t want anyone to know you cared, I don’t know. You know the girl you're seeing is sleeping with other men, something that was completely unacceptable from me, even when things were casual. Why the difference? Is it that you felt the need to impose your morality on my marriage, defend my husband from my lascivious ways? Or were you genuinely jealous of other lovers? If so, why aren’t you jealous of hers? If not, why did, me having lovers other then you disturb you so?

But that is what loving you is like, so many questions. I fell in love with you while you where in love with Lauren. I stayed in love with you after experiencing the bitter aftermath. I took every ounce of bitterness, hatred, and pain you dished out, and loved you anyway, gods help me. I changed my standards of what I would tolerate, because I loved you. In part I am responsible. You treated me like I was worthless in so many ways, because I told you I was. Every time I quietly accepted your bitterness and anger, I told you that I wasn’t worth being a better man for. I thought you loved me in return, but there were so many mixed messages, I could never know. Yet, you say I don’t see you for who you really are that I give you too much credit for how good you can be. I see you. I see you very well, both the good and the bad. No, it wasn’t all bad, but the good moments were few and all the more precious for it.

It does bother me that you are pursuing a woman who walked away from a 10 year marriage (or least that’s what I was told) with the thought that you can change her into someone who will be faithful to you, while you refuse to pursue me, a woman who won’t walk away from her marriage, despite being in love with you, because I don’t think I am faithful. I worry that this is going to end badly for you and you will, essentially, be where I am now. Broken hearted and in love with a woman who can not or will not change.

I would very much like the answers to these questions. However, I can’t count on getting them. I’m not even sure you know the answers, yourself. I would like to talk these things over with you in person, but you never liked deeply emotional conversations and avoided them with me. I also know you need time process things and think. What I would like is to have a productive conversation with you. It will be emotional and I’m quite sure there will be tears. But I need to know why all the contradictions. Why was I different? Are you so much happier with me gone? Did I make you that unhappy? I suspect the truth is something I don’t wish to hear. That you don’t love me, but enjoy to control over my happiness that I, inevitably, hand over. I do not wish to think of you as that cruel but I can not deny the possibility has occurred.

BTW: Happy Birthday.

I see you.

2010-02-19T22:14:00.002-07:00

If you could see inside my mind, would you run in fear of all things I’m too scared to say.

I love you. Why don’t you love me? Why is she different? Why don’t the rules apply to her? You hated the thought of me having sex with other men when we were nothing more then casual lovers, but you pursue her knowing she’s fucking other men. You go to the coffee shop to see her on you’re night off, but can’t drive half that distance just to come to house and watch a movie. You can't even manage to come to a concert of mine on your day off, knowing how important it was to me. You ignore me after making go to the bar to support your shows. You demanded a hug from me tonight. You, who has on many occasions refused me hugs or gave me something perfunctory and half-hearted. But you tell people you are not acting different. You’re reading my facebook page. You’ve never cared before. When my grandmother died and I sent you the email with the link to this very blog, asking you to read it, you told how blogs were self-indulgent bullshit and you don’t read them. But you’re not acting any different. You've never expressed a concern for my mental health before,beyond social politeness, but now you are kindness itself.

I see you and you can’t lie to me. I do not know why you are acting this way, but it isn’t you. You are caustic, mean spirited, and cruel a good deal of the time. I wasn’t able to tell you much because you took great pleasure in pouring scorn and derision on everything I said and every opinion I had that didn’t agree with yours. I saw all of this, your good and bad. I saw in you someone who just wanted to be loved, someone who truly wants to be a good man, but doesn’t know the way. I saw your hatred, mostly for yourself, and I saw your love. Gods help me; I love you, seeing all of that. You are a lot of things, a good man, an asshole, but you are not a kind man. I see you and I know you are behaving differently. Whether it’s for her benefit or something else, I don’t know. But I see you; I’ve always seen you and I loved you anyways. I wish it had been enough.

Comments on Prop 8 Trial

2010-01-15T12:22:00.001-07:00

I've been reading the Prop 8 trial tracker every day now, and I find it both encouraging and disheartening. What saddens me is the pro-prop 8 people who can not seem to realize that who you are attracted too does not make you any less of a person. They have tried to perpetuate myths that gay men are universally promiscuous and incapable of forming long term relationships. They are also trying to bring up the idea that the purpose of marriage is for procreation. You take that to it’s logical but absurd conclusion and anyone who can not or chooses to not have children either can not marry or should have their marriages dissolved. Protectmarriage.com would never stand for that. There are also the letters from Dr. William Tam that equate legalizing gay marriage with legalizing pedophilia. These are clearly ridiculous stereotypes that the pro-prop 8 side is trying to put forth as fact. But it’s not like the other side isn’t putting forth its own stereotypes.

Although I understand why, it is painful to see that polyamory was thrown under the bus. Having my lifestyle be called despotism in a court of law while the marriage of two people (regardless of gender or sex) “… is an extension or even the building block of American democracy” is disturbing in the extreme. This was the answer, from a noted expert, to the idea that gay marriage is a slipper slope into polygamy. As a polyamorous woman I am highly offended. Having more then one love in my life or in my husband’s life is not despotism. People argue that being poly is a choice, so is religion. We, as a nation, have decided that religious choice is something that you can not be persecuted for. However, who and how many you choose to love is? As for it being choice, I’m not entirely certain of that. Ask a fundamentally monogamous person to be a part of a polyamorous relationship and see what you get. Conversely try to force a poly person into monogamy and see how that works. I would guess that it has about the same success rate of a gay or lesbian trying to maintain a straight relationship. I do know that I can not be anything other then who I am. And that means to be polyamorous.

While the legal tactic of ‘at least we’re not those evil people’ is a time honored tradition, it does leave a bitter taste in one’s mouth. I support the idea of gay marriage. I think they should have the same rights as anyone else on that front. I truly hope they win this fight and believe that our country will be all the better for it. In the end, however, as they become, for a different group of the disenfranchised, the same as those they fight against, I have only one question to ask: Is it worth it?

Less then a day...

2009-12-17T20:39:00.001-07:00

It’s amazing how much difference a few hours and a conversation can make. I was asked by my therapist to write down what it was I was getting out of a relationship that was causing me so much confusion and pain. Then answer is: a smile. The heart as reasons that reason can not know. The knowledge that I am cared about (even if it isn’t exactly the sort of love I want) and that I am the cause of that smile, makes me happy. He makes me happy. I suppose I could, with the therapists help, analyze why that is but right now, I really don’t care. My goal now is to just be happy and enjoy what I can have rather then focus on what I can’t. Easier said then done, but well worth it. You’re not gone…and that makes me happy.

I want you gone

2009-12-08T14:05:00.001-07:00

I want you gone. You have removed yourself from my life; I wish you would remove yourself from my head. I’m tired of thinking of you, of worrying about how your life is going. I’m tired of the constant reminder that my affection was always one sided. I’m tired of wishing we could be friends, but you’re too self-centered for even that. I wish you cared. I wish you hadn’t lied to me. I thought we could be friends. I was trying to be happy with that, but you abandoned me when I needed friends most, after I even told you that. I don’t know why and I wish I didn’t care. I know longer have the strength to chase after you for whatever scraps of affection you choose give. I do not have the strength to be friends with people who use me, even if it is to just prop up their fragile egos. Loving you has cost me so much in terms of emotions and heartache…too much. What you say and how you act are too different things. You say you wish to be friends; that you care about me in a way you care about few people. However, you’ve ignored me when I needed you most. I’ve heard nothing from you despite pouring my heart to you in a most humiliating fashion. Well your neglect has done what you anger never could. I still love you, I wish I didn’t. But I do have some shred of pride left and I’m not seeking you out anymore, for anything. You had away of making me feel as if you tolerated my presence rather then actually enjoyed it. However you always told me differently. I was foolish to listen to you words rather then your actions. I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope you find a woman who makes you realize both what good man you are and what a great man you could be. I’m sorry that wasn’t me. I love you and I want you gone.

Friends?

2009-11-30T11:55:00.002-07:00

Why is it that when you're in that downward spiral, the people who claim to care for you and be your friends fade away. They used to ask "How are you doing?" but too many answers of "Not so good" means they stop asking. Harsh words and cruelty are easy to forgive, Lord knows, I've been guilty of more then my fair share. But the sharp silence of neglect and the humiliation of having to ask to be loved...that is soul destroying. At this time, I'm not sure how much soul I have left to wound.

Family

2009-11-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

There are certain things that a preacher should never screw up, weddings and funerals. The preacher, who knew my grandmother for 15 years, that she specifically asked for, screwed it up. The only time he talked about my grandmother was when he listed family. He got her birthday wrong, her sister's name wrong (both of them) her brother's name wrong, my brother's name wrong and my nephew's. He then went on to preach a Sunday morning sermon about God's love and the afterlife, how comforting the bible is...etc. On top of all that it rained. If it were any other cemetary, I don't think it would've mattered. But this one has calachi gravel rodes. However, I don't begrudge the rain, that was...comforting, actually. My mother says it was raining when I was born. Between that and having a father who was a weather man in the Navy, I've always liked storms. This was the slow steady kind, where the thunder rumbled long and low, and the rain was a steady downpour. You could tell all the people who live down here thought it was cold, but it was warmer then anything we get further up north. I wanted to play in the rain, like I did when I was little. Then have my grandmother yell at me for getting all muddy. My grandfather used to think it was funny, but he passed away about 20 years ago.

My grandmother used to say that rain was angels crying. I wondered if they cried for her today or the ones she left behind. A truly unkind part of me wondered of God was weeping because he to put up with her now. There are things about her I envy though. She played kanasta with her brother and sisters every saturday, unless she was truly ill. Her best friend, since high school, helped us out feeding all the people that came over. There is such history in this family. The quilt that I am using on my bed here was made by her grandmother. Everyone called her Mammie. There is furniture in this house that has been in the family for seven generations...and the pictures. She has pictures that are a hundred years old, of our family. I may not like them...or even know them all, but dear, holy, God, do I have family. I had cousins of my mother come up to me who hadn't seen me since I was a child. I nearly cried, when a great Aunt, who was like a grandmother to me, didn't know who I was, her mind is going. My roots here are strong and deep, albeit a bit twisted and rotted in places.

Idily, I wonder if my grandfather would've liked my husband. I think so. He may not have approved of some of my other choices, but he would've loved me anyways. He spoiled me rotten. Everyone always wondered how he could stand to babysit me as a infant, because I would cry all the time for anyone else. He would, “Taking care of her is easy...just give whatever she wants.” He would come home from the oil fields in the middle of the night and pick me up out of my crib. My mother would get upset at him for waking me, but he never did, I was already awake. An insomniac and a night owl from the start. He taught me how to fish and clean them, how to spit watermelon seeds, and let me comb his hair. He had great, thick, wavy hair, that he always kept oiled down. He'd sit in his big chair and let me do whatever I wanted. He and my grandmother had a garden, at their old house, I remember tomato plants taller then me. I also remember my grandmother being an incredible seamstress. She would sew me Barbie clothes, with out a pattern, out of bits of material she had left over. She taught me how to iron, I used to practice on Barbie clothes and tea towels. My first experience at baking and cooking was from her. All this so I would be able to take care of my future husband and children. I don't think I ever truly paid attention to her 'lessons' I just enjoyed spending time with her. While she would make me go to church every Sunday (my parents did'nt go) we would spend the entire service playing tic-tac-toe. Or I'd have a small doll to play with quietly. I would always be hugged by people who knew me and I didn't know. Especially the preacher, who called me Widget, just like he called my mother. She couldn't say 'Richard' and said Widget instead. I inherited the name. No one has called me Widget since he died.

I miss them.

Doubts

2009-11-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

One of the things being at home makes me question is: when does asking for help and support from your friends cross the line into being a total drama queen. My family has taught that asking for anything is crossing that line. Life has taught me that sometimes you just need help. What is reasonable and what is just wanting attention? At this point, I can't even answer that in any reasonable fashion. I'm inclined to think that even mentioning that I'm having problems crosses that line. Hopefully, my friends will smack me upside the head and tell me. Especially if I'm being a spoiled 'poor me' drama queen.

Feels like Home

2009-11-19T22:36:00.001-07:00

One my friends made the statement that I was the most self-aware person she knew. It was an incredible compliment. However, being self-aware is a double-edged sword. What do you do when you mental state resembles a car wreck in slow motion? I can see the break down happening, but I can't stop it. I suppose when the tough truly lose it the tough seek professional help. What caused so many problems is my Grandmother died. She had been ill for a while, so this was not unexpected, just sad. Coming home is...complicated. There are things I love, yet other things I can't stand. Most of which is my family. It's brought to light an interesting dichotomy. I wish to be 'seen' yet this is the family that taught me to hide. Growing up with these people taught me that you should never let people know if you're upset, disturbed or in anyway anything other then mildly irritated. They also taught me that you should never be a burden or need anything from other people, especially family. For they will judge you the harshest. These were the people who taught me that home wasn't a haven, it was a stage, and you always had to be concerned with that the rest of the family would think. I don't even like these people...however, they are the only family I have. I still love them and want there love in return. Perhaps this childhood is part of the reason I find myself in the situation I am with unrequited love.

I am in no way contemplating suicide at the moment. I am, however, pondering just how many sleeping pills it would take to make me sleep for a few months. I hate coming home...and I'll always miss it when I leave.

Haunt

2009-11-11T00:12:00.001-07:00

You'll awaken
Someday when it's too late
You'll suddenly find me gone.
Will my memory haunt you long?
Will you wake up at nights to my song?

A strange sensation
My thoughts circle 'round you.
Ignoring your cue you're near.
All through the workday I hear
If you'd treated me right I'd be here.
If you'd taken the time to be near
If your love was so right why the fear?
If you'd treated me right I'd be here.
If you'd taken the time to be near
If your love was so right why the fear?

©1997 Terry Moore

I see you.

2009-11-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

Language is an interesting thing. The three words most people consider to be the upmost importance is “I love you.” But love is a slippery thing. The three words I most want to hear, and only if they are true, is “I see you.” Though love is a wonderful and beautiful thing, to be truly seen by someone as the person you really are, all your faults, all your virtues, and all your complexities, that is something truly life changing. I’m not sure if it’s even something that is possible, but I want it anyways. Beyond that, I want to be able to give it. I want to see people for what and who they really are, both good and bad. It is the combination of light and dark that creates beauty, and I want to see all of it. It’s rather esoteric and clichéd but perhaps in learning to see, one day, I will be seen.

This Mask I Wear

2009-11-01T10:38:00.002-07:00

Sometimes your own words are inadequate. So today I'll use Terry Moore's.

This Mask I Wear

This mask I wear, you gave to me
One winter night beneath the trees,
Its black and blue enshrouds my life,
Surrounds my eyes and blinds my sight.

This mask I wear pretends I'm here,
and hides me from the awful fear
That you might find the heart of me
and take that too, beneath the trees.

This mask I wear to hide the pain.
It's all I have to keep me sane.
I just fell down, I'm told to tell.
There are no words to stop this hell.

This mask I pray to God for why
He hates me so to watch me die
A little more with every night
This man comes in and rapes my life.

But little girls grow up, my friend
And learn the wicked ways of men.
And this mask I wear comes off the day

This mask I wear lays on your grave.

Love, it's not over.

2009-10-19T22:52:00.001-06:00

There are certain core belief’s people have and there are situations in life that challenge them. One of mine is that love is a gift. You should lovely people freely and without conditions or reservations. Living that is, as with everything, more difficult to actually do. However, life has presented me with opportunity. I’m in love with someone who, I’m fairly sure, doesn’t love me back…at least not in the way I would like. I’m sure he cares about me, but I’m not sure it’s love. I’m trying to be ok with that. I want to be ok with that. I realize that wanting to be loved is such in intrinsic part of human nature that I can not suppress that desire; however, I do not want him to feel obligated. Believing that love is a gift is easy. Freely loving someone who doesn’t return that love is a challenge. I’m actually glad for it. He says that there is no such thing as a self-less act. Perhaps he’s right. People do things that are charitable for their own reasons. I just don’t think those reasons are always mercenary. I do have my own personal reasons for making sure he knows I love him and putting up with a lot of his issues. Regardless of how this relationship ends, I can learn from it and be a stronger person for it. Also I genuinely wish him to be happy, even if that means he moves on to someone else. I, very much, want to be a positive influence in his life. As long as I can still have him in my life as a friend, I can accept that and be happy.

How does this work with already having a husband. Well, love is infinite. The idea that people can only love a select few at any given time is ridiculous. I love my husband, deeply and dearly. I love my family, even though we have serious issues. Loving multiple people, even in a romantic sense, isn’t that difficult. Love is infinite. Time is not. When you’re someone with poor time management skills, it can make things difficult. But knowing that the problem is about time management and not love makes things easier to deal with. My husband knows I love him just as I don’t doubt he loves me.

Love is a gift and it is infinite. Core beliefs I think I can live up too.

Crash and Burn

2009-09-30T08:10:00.001-06:00

Well it’s over. What I had hoped would grow into a deep and loving relationship, crashed and burned even more spectacularly then I thought it would. It hurts to find out you were strung along for a number of complicated psychological reasons. None of which had anything to do with you. After weeks of chasing after him, putting up with him being selfish and inconsiderate, and at times, mean. I was blind to the fact that he didn’t want me. He was too wrapped up in himself to see me as anything other then ditz who was reasonably good in bed. That wouldn’t hurt so badly if he hadn’t gone out of his way to try and make me think otherwise. I thought he liked me as much as I liked him, however, he didn’t even know me and neither does he see me as someone worth trying to know. Its not that I believe him, but having someone you care about think you’re completely worthless, hurts. There was a fight and I said some fairly mean things. I have a temper I do that. But I wasn’t the only one, and if you’re going to brag about how bad your temper is, sooner or later you’re going to get some of your own back. At one point he said he wanted to make people feel as angry and as miserable as he was. He succeeded. I’m not sure he’ll ever understand the pain he caused. I’m not sure he even cares. The truly sad thing is…I think love him, still.

Secrets

2009-09-21T01:17:00.001-06:00

Secrets are curious things. There are times when ‘full disclosure’ is not the kind thing to do. I question whether or not it’s always the right thing to do. One thing I do know is once the decision to keep the secret is made, you don’t change your mind. For good or ill, you can't just tell people after the fact. But they are heavy things…secrets. There are situations that outsiders, or ever the people involved, don’t always understand. That are far more complicated then you can articulate. Do you keep those secrets…even from the people involved? If you do tell them, how do you express things that are even confusing to yourself? Or is it best to not tell anyone? The answers are never easy, and I’m not even sure there is a ‘right’ one. But I think I can handle a little extra weight.

Dating?!

2009-09-15T20:58:00.001-06:00

It is interesting at times, how the life experiences you miss out on when you’re younger, show up later in life. I never really dated in high school. I never really dated, ever, actually. The one big relationship I had in my life ended in marriage. Despite this, I have always been the one to be asked and give relationship advice. I’m not entirely certain as to why, but apparently I give good advice. However, saying and doing are two entirely different things. What brings this all to the forefront of my consciousness is I met a guy. Being of the poly persuasion, this does not have the world shaking affects on my marriage that you would think. My husband actually finds it fairly amusing. However, this is causing a great deal of pondering on my part. Normally this wouldn’t be that big a deal, but there are feelings involved. This guy is different. Now, I could live with him being just a casual thing, but I would be very unhappy about it. You’d think I would have learned after the…less then happy ending of my husband’s relationship with his girlfriend, but you’d be wrong. For the first time, in a long, I’m worried about whether he likes me. About how should I behave…you’d think I was in high school. It is, at the same time, both annoying and a little exciting. I always thought that the idea of being so twitterpatted that you had a hard time communicating was a TV trope. But it isn’t. *sigh* Yes…it’s true, there is guy out there the makes me have difficulties saying stuff. It’s rather amazing, really. What I really need to do is stop whinging on about it, just enjoy myself. He’s a wonderful man, and it’s worth it.

Twitterpation!

2009-09-11T11:35:00.000-06:00

Definition: Twitterpatted-(AKA Pheromone Shock) That rush of hormones and other brain chemicals that make you feel all sorts of happy when you’re around your new lust object.

Usage: She is so twitterpatted over him.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, I can go on to whine about how twitterpatted I am over some guy. I really should now better. He’s a great guy. However there is one slight problem…he’s a monogamist. I don’t fault him for that. Deep down he wants to be some lucky girls one and only. I don’t blame him for that in the least. He deserves to be happy. This, however, does not in anyway negate the twitterpattion. There’s a very childish part of me that just wants to just lock him in a closet and keep him forever. Ok…maybe that’s the sociopath in me, but either way it’s a bad idea. The grown up thing to do would be just walk away, be friends, and never…never have sex with him again. I am far to twitterpatted to actually do that. *sigh* I know, because of how he is and how and I am, I’m going to get my heart bruised up over this. But, you know, it’s kind of worth it. Life’s messy. Get Dirty.

Synchronicty?

2009-08-20T11:40:00.001-06:00

While flipping channels I stumbled across one of those lifetime movies about being the fat girl in high school. One of the lines in there was startlingly appropriate, all things considered. “I’m never invisible, I’m the fat girl.” This is sadly true. In high school people are always looking at you, watching you, snickering behind your back, making comments about your close, how you look in them…etc. (It’s no wonder we have more issues then the New York Times.) As an adult, it’s not that much different. However, once we’re out of high school, fat girls aren’t supposed to be seen. Even though people talk about us, on television and news shows, we’re supposed to be faceless blobs, stock footage of fat people walking down the street. No matter what the talent, we’re not, actually, supposed to have a voice, have face or have name, and never, under any circumstances, are you ever, supposed to have sex….or act like you want sex. Or dress in a manner that men might find sexually attractive. You get my point.

I am a very sexual person. I like it that way, I like me that way. I like being called ‘X-rated, just because you’re you.’ What I don’t like is being lectured on my health by people who have no idea how healthy or unhealthy I am. When you’re fat, random people feel like they have the right to comment on whatever it is you’re doing. I’ve had people say things about how I shouldn’t eat something. I’ve had people make comments about my clothes. I’ve also had comments made about how some guy I was flirting with wasn’t into fat girls. They do this because, we’re never invisible. For a myriad of reasons, people always see the fat girl, but rarely as a women or people. This is how the culture treats us, how People treat us.

Individuals, on the other hand, are much better. I have had only one negative response to being a Naked Girl, and that one was not exactly from a ‘reputable’ source, the rest has been very positive and encouraging. I am grateful for that. As the date gets closer, I realize that this isn’t just about me overcoming my fears. It’s a statement. I will be seen, all of me. I will not apologize for my size. I will not be ashamed for my size. (I might be embarrassed by the giant bruise on my thigh…but screw it) I will have a voice and I will have name. I will be naked in front of an audience and they will enjoy it. They will be happy to see me naked and I will be happy to be seen. It is my own small way of challenging the unwritten rules that we live by.

Quick definition.

2009-08-19T11:55:00.000-06:00

So someone asked me, what is a Housetart? And here's the explanation: everyone's see Harry Potter and knows what an house elf is. Well a housetart, is like a house elf, except with benefits. :D

I love karma!

2009-08-18T15:42:00.000-06:00

Karma is a beautiful thing. I wasn’t paying attention to it, but Michelle L’amour, the founder of Naked Girls Reading, is going to be at our first event. I think this is absolutely wonderful. She is a gorgeous, wonderful woman. Go ahead, Google her and see for yourself. The beauty of all this is, she falls right into a certain someone’s preferences. As he would put it she has ‘a smoking hot body.’ (Yes he uses this phrase) But he isn’t going to see that body. Why? Because he’s too hung up on me being there, naked. *sigh* It just sort of makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Boys are stupid...yet again.

2009-08-13T22:42:00.000-06:00

I’ve run into an interesting prejudice. There is a guy I game with, who is fairly judgmental. He also prefers skinny girls and does not find fat girls, like me, attractive. This by itself is not bad thing. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences. What I’m upset with is his attitude about my Naked Girl Reading event. He has decided that since he has no wish to see me naked, neither would anyone else. Which I know isn’t true. He is dismissive and has made clear that not only does he not want to see me naked, but finds the idea repulsive. Which he has to make sure I know about. Again, his preferences don’t bother me, but rudely making sure someone knows that, not only do you find them unattractive, you don’t think anyone else will, is really one of the meanest things you can do.

What Feminists won't do.

2009-08-07T11:18:00.000-06:00

The shooting in PA is a bit topic of discussion for feminists, however there is a line that even they won’t cross. They come up with catch phrases like ‘culture of violence’ and call pistols ‘weapons of mass destruction.’ But the truth is not even feminists are willing to say women should defend themselves. Not even they are willing to say ‘it’s ok for a woman to use deadly force’.

They, of course, are upset at the shooting in PA. Who wouldn’t be? Here is a situation were a mentally unstable man walked into a gym and deliberately targeted women. He fired 52 rounds, injured 9 women and killed 3. This is a horrible tragic thing. However, what amazes me is that these self professed feminist got upset when I suggested women should be armed. I got told “Guns are NOT the answer,” I’m sorry but that depends on the question. When the question is: How do we stop a psychologically broken man from unloading a couple of guns in to a room full of women (or anyone else for that matter), guns are the answer. 52 rounds means at one point he had to either reload or pull another gun. This takes a lot longer then you would think. Enough time for someone with a clear head to go for a bag that had a gun in it. (It was an aerobics class so not even I think they should have had a gun on their person) One woman having a gun in that room could have saved all or even one of the women who got shot.

But the attitude that women should never engage in violence, even for self-defense is so ingrained in our culture that despite comments like this: “This is terrorism, terrorism motivated solely by hate of a class of people, plain and simple. Terrorism motivated by a sense of entitlement.” If you say, get a gun and defend yourself, you get this: “Um, what the hell. The fact is, very few women will ever own a gun in their life. I think the statistics are something like half of men, 15% of women. Why is the onus always on WOMEN to "protect themselves," but never on men to fucking knock it off? Why should WOMEN have to do things they don't want to do, [I also find it amusing that a feminists naturally assumes girls don’t like guns] like own an item of mass destruction, to protect themselves against shit that the very culture of force and violence surrounding guns actually helps perpetuate.” I know very few women own guns. That’s part of the problem! If more women owned guns, they would have another option to defend themselves. But, while feminist see guns as a part of male privilege, they are not willing to take that privilege for themselves.

When did pacifism become a feminist value? People who walk into a building like that intending to shoot people are not going to respond to ‘Knock it off!” However, you put a few rounds at center mass, they’ll stop shooting people. Is it right that these things happen and women are specifically target? No, no more then its right when anyone else is targeted. If we, as women, will not defend ourselves from deadly force with deadly force, who will?

I always had the opinion that modern feminism was not healthy for women, too much of a victim mentality. But I never thought, they’d be actively dangerous. I never expected a feminist to say she’d rather get shot then pick up a gun and defend herself. To trot out the clichéd saying, ‘I’d rather be judged by twelve, then carried by six’. Which makes me very much NOT feminist.

High School Tragedy 2: Electric Boogaloo

2009-08-06T11:52:00.000-06:00

As I have already stated, high school was not a happy place for me. But now my luxury of bitterness has come to end. I’ve been contacted by a couple of people I went to school with. Those, at the time, I called my closest friends. With them and the memories they bring back comes all the other conflicted emotions that have been more or less buried and ignored for the last 15 years. You’d think 15 years would be long enough, but you’d be wrong. I realized that many of the issues I have when I am reminded about those years have little or nothing to do with my fellow students. I don’t think they realized I spent about half of my sophomore year homeless. I don’t think they realized how much of a drunk my stepfather was or if he was a drunk at all. I don’t think they knew about the times I got into fist fights with my mother. I know they didn’t realize the problems I had with my own mental illness, I didn’t even know that at the time. No one is that kind or observant at 16, to see these things and I was not a part of ‘the family’. In fact, I was a consummate actor in school, only breaking character on rare occasions. I was tough, everything was fine, I could handle it. In a rural small town, many of these people knew each other from first grade. There was a grand total of 42 kids in our graduating class, give or take a few. It was a small world and I was now better then them. I doubt I was the only one in the class who had an alcoholic parent or a dysfunctional household and I didn’t notice their problems anymore then they noticed mine. Neither do I think they were any less of an actor, at the time, then I was.

A part of what I’m feeling is also grief. My stepfather died right at a year ago and memories of high school are very much tangled with memories him, both good and bad. I went back to Montana for a visit and took a friend to Lewis and Clark caverns. It was the first time I had been anywhere near there since before my stepfather died. I still have not been back to my ‘home town’ since my parents left. I’m honestly not sure I could bring myself to go back. Sometimes I wonder if talking to these people is going to help me get rid of all this baggage or bury me under it. I know I don’t want it any more, it’s too old, too heavy, and life’s too good, now.

As if I wasn’t already insecure and paranoid enough, I have this horrible thought that one my former classmates will show up at my naked reading event. That’s the sort of thing that just causes psychotic breaks. Nudity+public speaking+former high school classmates=broken. I’m not sure there’s enough medication in the world to deal with that. Luckily I’m fairly sure, none of them live here. So I’m safe…I think.

Boy’s are still stupid

2009-08-02T22:44:00.001-06:00

On of the things you have remember when your screwing around with a married woman (and by that I mean fucking) is that they’re not your girlfriend. Sex does not vest property rights and neither does it give you permission to use someone as your emotional tampon. I don’t mind being treated like a booty call, especially by someone whom I just have sex with on occasion. This is not a relationship, however, ignoring me for 6 weeks, except for 2 last minute, day of, invites, one of which was to be emotional support, is rude. Getting butthurt when I say I can’t do something with you is even worse. Especially when the whole point of them was for your benefit and you can’t even be bothered to be concerned about anyone else. I understand that people are busy. The ignoring me for 6 weeks doesn’t bother me, by itself. But combined with some things that were said and other behaviors, it makes me feel like I’m being treated like a video game, to be put on pause whenever he’s busy. I have a life, I got things to do. I do not wait around just to fuck someone once every other month.

Also I have a husband, deal with it. I don’t appreciate lovers getting butthurt when I talk about him, or trying to pretend he doesn’t exist. If you don’t like having sex with a married woman, don’t. Don’t assume, either, that just because we sleep with other people, our marriage is in trouble and you have a shot at replacing my husband. Not going to happen, get over it.

Learn your citizenship laws!

2009-08-01T00:47:00.000-06:00

Ok So here's my opinion about the Birther's. The people who think that, for whatever stupid reason, that Obama isn't a US citizen. All of this hinges around his birth certificate and the fact that he hasn't released it. The true stupidity of this is that it doesn't matter. Even if he was born in Kenya, (Which I don't think he was. Factcheck.org has a copy of a Hawaiin birth certificate, I buy it.) he's still a citizen and natural born one at that. For this I quote wiki:

For persons born on or after November 14, 1986, a person is a U.S. citizen if all of the following are true:[4]
1.One of the person's parents was a U.S. citizen when the person in question was born;
2.The citizen parent lived at least 5 years in the United States before his or her child's birth;
3.A minimum of 2 of these 5 years in the United States were after the citizen parent's 14th birthday.

No one has questioned his mother's citizenship. Yes, his father was Kenyan, but who cares. His mother was and is American. No argument. That means it doesn't matter where he was born, he's a citizen, deal with it.

Feministing: Fuck You!

2009-07-27T14:11:00.001-06:00

This Friday’s Feminist Fuck was about the woman who is up for Surgeon General. There are critics, but hardly anyone of any authority, who are saying that she is, literally, too fat for the job, something that was never spoken of so readily for Dr. Koop. However that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the double standards and privilege that many modern feminist expect.

Comments by random people about Dr Benjamin’s weight have met with, deserved scorn and derision from feminists. This was the comment that is causing such uproar: "it is only women that are judged by what they look like and whether that is going to determine whether they are qualified to do the job, as opposed to men that are just evaluated in whether they can do the job."

Now, I think this is the sort of hyperbole that completely destroys the credibility of feminism as a whole. When blanket statements are made about women, regardless of source or context, there is a great deal of women going on about the patriarchy and ‘Teh Menz’ (Yes this was actually used, but it’s ok, she’s a woman) keeping women down. The fact that a man dared to challenge that comment on Feministing, on her down turf (kudos to him) I think is what actually caused such an uproar. Not that anyone would admit this. The women called him a troll, generally talked down to him, insulted him, and then told him that if he wanted to trash women he should go to one those anti-women sites. (Which they bitch about those existing at all) All of this, while the guy was trying to argue, politely a point about the post. They, more or less, bullied this man into shutting up because they didn’t like what he had to say. But that’s not something they think women are capable of doing.

This is very indicative of what modern feminism is about. They don’t want equal treatment, they want special treatment. They write article after article about how something as meaningless as TV commercials, messages on underwear, and jokes by comedians damage women. As if the poor fragile innocent women are too weak to defend their poor minds against such things. As if women can’t handle having their fragile sensibilities challenged so the world must treat them with care. Well, fuck that! I don’t need a bunch of women like that looking out for me, I can deal with the world myself, thank you. Insulting t-shirts about women, bring it! I’ll wear them if I think they’re funny. TV commercials…I’m good consumer with a good idea of what marketing is, no sweat. Rape jokes, anti-women jokes, pedophilia jokes…funny as hell. And before you start going on about how insensitive I am, I was raped as a child, and I still think pedophilia jokes are hilarious.

So Fuck You, Feministing and all the other modern feminists out there who are too afraid to stand on your own. Equality means putting up the same crap everyone else does, not getting special treatment because you have a vagina.

Coversations (really long)

2009-07-24T17:28:00.000-06:00

So I got an IM from someone today and it was an interesting conversation. That I am going to post a long with some of the thoughts I had while having. I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Other than that, everything is what was typed, typos and all. Most of the typos are mine actually. :D

[14:58] Him: Hello.
[14:58] Me: hi
[14:58] Him: How are you today?
[14:58] Me: not bad
[14:58] Me: yourself?
[14:59] Him: Not too bad, just getting ready for next semester.
[14:59] Him: You're from Denver right?
[14:59] Me: yes
[15:00] Him: Cool, how old are you again?
[15:00] Me: 32 why do you ask?
[15:00] Him: I dunno, looking for someone to hang out with.
[15:01] Me: ah..i see
[15:01] Him: Yeah, I'm 24 by the way.
[15:02] Me: ok
[15:02] Him: So what do you do?
[15:03] Me: I'm a housewife
[15:03] Him: Oh, you're married?
[15:03] Me: yes, it said so on my OKcupid profile when you talked to me before
[15:06] Him: I can't be expected to remember the stats of every pinchprick on the internet.

For those of you that don’t know, pinchprick is old British slang for whore. It was in the first five minutes that I realized this is a guy I stopped talking to because he threw a fit when I didn’t respond fast enough because I was AFK. A month or so after that I found out he called a friend of mine an ‘esoteric cunt’. He’s apparently making the rounds.

[15:07] Me: and that's why I stopped talking to you, because you behave like an insulting child
[15:07] Him: An insulting child?
[15:07] Him: Wow what a phrase...isn't quite correct english but whatever right?
[15:07] Him: It's not as if anything you say or do matter, you live in a microcosm.

This is another insult leveled at my friend as well. In my really unkind black little heart of hearts, I want to make comments about how he word drops just to show off. But I feel bad about that. You’ll see why further down.

[15:08] Me: oh really, considering you know nothing about my life, what makes you say that?
[15:08] Him: Well for one thing you're a housewife.
[15:08] Him: No woman I'd ever respect would do that...lol
[15:09] Me: oh so running a household is something to be disrespected?
[15:09] Him: Oh sure I hide contempt for such women, but only because it makes me look less desirable to real people.

I missed this one, apparently women who are housewives aren’t real people.

[15:09] Him: When you have the option to do anything you want and choose to be a housewife it's disappointing.
[15:10] Him: But maybe you're not intelligent enough for a career etc.. I don't know you like you said.
[15:10] Me: why, it's a fairly complicated job, that needs to be done, I do a lot things from bookkeeping, to construction, to cooking
[15:10] Me: what is to ashamed of?
[15:10] Me: can you hang dry wall?
[15:11] Him: No, I'm an a bookkeeper and will be a CPA next year.
[15:11] Him: Then I'm going to law school.
[15:12] Me: That explains so much
[15:12] Me: I have no reason to be ashamed of what I choose to do, and there are a lot of negative comments that are made about lawyers
[15:13] Him: Sure are.
[15:13] Him: The difference is that I'll have money to console me in my misery, instead of screaming children and piles of dishes.
[15:14] Me: Yes...because in our society, working on having a good loving family, rather then a dysfunctional one, is something to ashamed of....is that id?
[15:14] Me: oops it?
[15:14] Him: Lady, in this economy two working adults are required for any measure of security.

I don’t agree with this, and I was getting a little tichy, but I think it’s safe to say I was goaded. One income and properly managed investments, as well as living within your means, can do wonders.

[15:14] Me: The fact that my priorities are emotional rather then financial means I should hide my head in shame?
[15:14] Him: By the way you talk I'd say your husband is blue collar...
[15:14] Him: Either some type of construction or contracting.
[15:15] Me: Actually, since your so concerned, he has a profesional tech job

I thought tech jobs were white collar. I can see it either way, though; it is something of a grey area in the classic way of thinking about employment. I do consider his job something of a tech job. He does a lot of computer work, and it’s not customer service.

[15:15] Him: Blue collar still...lol
[15:15] Me: ...and as a few well placed investments, that keep us more then comfortable
[15:16] Him: Oh, I see.
[15:16] Him: And are you attracted to this man?
[15:16] Me: yes have been for some time
You can practically here the wheels turning. Really I should have indulged him, but it was a bit like watching a train wreck. I just couldn’t tear myself away.

[15:16] Him: Hmmm, and what background do you come from?
[15:17] Me: he's middle/upper-middle class
[15:17] Me: I'm tornado bait trailer trash, I married up
[15:17] Him: I see.
[15:18] Me: Lucky for me, he loves me anyway
[15:18] Him: Yes, lucky for you.
[15:18] Him: No woman like you will be lucky on my dollar.
[15:18] Me: That's your loss, because I'm a really good person, and he's lucky too.
[15:19] Him: I'm sure it's great for him though.
[15:19] Me: ...and if all you see is the money, you're going to be around a lot of shallow people
[15:19] Him: I'll bet you're more attractive physically, sexier.
[15:19] Him: No, I just see the world as it is.
[15:19] Him: Do you deny him anything in bed?
[15:20] Me: You're 24, you speak as if you come from a privileged background, you haven't lived long enough to know the world, or the people in it
[15:20] Him: Haha...
[15:20] Me: Not that's it's any of your business, but no I don't
[15:20] Him: If you only knew.
[15:20] Him: Exactly, other women have certainly denied him.
[15:20] Me: Not really, women like him in bed
[15:20] Him: But you wouldn't deny him anything, hence the reason you're married.
[15:21] Him: You know this? Have had threesomes etc..?
[15:21] Me: Not with other women, but I've been friends with his lovers, yes I know this.
[15:21] Him: Oh I see.
[15:21] Him: Well I'd rather be with an intelligent woman with some courage and ability than have an open sexual arena.

Now, I answered a lot of those questions, because I am a very open person about my sexuality. I like to know about other people’s and the best way to do that is to not hide yours. I do have to admit that there was a bit of baiting going on as well. By this point I was just curious to see what he’d say and how far he was willing to go in being abusive.

As for the last comment here, there are very few people who know me who would say that I’m not intelligent, courageous, or have ability. There’s an underlying idea that if you have an open relationship you have no standards and will have sex with anyone. This is true for some, but I’m a picky bitch. :D

[15:22] Him: And just FYI, I do come from a very checkered background.
[15:22] Me: Well having an open relationship just means he has lots of intelligent women.
[15:22] Him: I've also worked for some very sick and twisted professionals who married women like you.
[15:22] Me: Women like me?
[15:22] Him: Yes...domesticated.
[15:23] Me: You say that like it's a bad thing. Being domesticated does not make me stupid.
[15:23] Me: It's simply a different and varied skill set.
[15:24] Him: No of course not.
[15:24] Him: I'm sure you know a lot about foreign affairs, art and a slew of other interesting things don't you?

I’ve come across a few people who narrowly define things, such as intelligence, but their own specific interests. While I think this is a natural human reaction, it’s a problem. There is more that defines intelligence and wisdom, other then just a few select issues.

[15:24] Him: Why, I bet you spend your down time at home reading Tolstoy, not on the internet.
[15:25] Me: I know bit, I pay more attention to US affairs rather then foriegn, and I'm not fan of Tolstoy
[15:25] Him: Oh, more into Dosteyevsky?
[15:25] Him: It's always one or the other isn't it?
[15:26] Me: Considering the current political climate I would Kafka is more appropriate
[15:26] Him: Tolstoy or Dosteyevsky...meh
[15:26] Him: Kafka!
[15:26] Him: No fucking way buddy, try Nietzsche.
[15:26] Him: Or Camus...
[15:27] Him: There's no metamorphosis about what's occurring in the world right now, it's obvious to anyone.
[15:27] Me: Fascist government taking over until there is violently revolution and likely balkanization?
[15:28] Him: Nah.
[15:28] Me: Darn! I was so hoping for revolution.
[15:28] Him: Then take part.

Sarcasm seems lost on him. However, to be fair, it is the internet and it’s hard for these things to come through.

[15:28] Him: So you have an open marriage?
[15:29] Me: I likely will and yes I do
[15:29] Him: Oh my, so you fuck other men?
[15:29] Me: On occaision, if I like them
[15:29] Him: Oh I see.
[15:29] Him: Are you into anal?

There are things even I won’t answer. What’s amusing is that I’m not for a number of fairly big psychological issues that will probably make its way into another entry some day.

[15:30] Me: That's none of your business
[15:30] Him: You are, ok.
[15:30] Me: I didn't anwer the question. There's a difference.
[15:31] Him: You did answer it though, in your own way.
[15:31] Me: Think what you like
[15:31] Him: Know what I like really, it's a good quality.
[15:32] Me: good quality?

He never said good quality what, though. People, relationships, sex, hair cream?

[15:32] Him: Certainly, I know what I like and what I want.
[15:32] Me: Well that helps in getting it.
[15:32] Him: You for instance, might be good for a roll in the hay but I wouldn't spend the rest of my life with you.
[15:33] Him: *might* in italics.
[15:33] Me: I wonderful for a roll in the hay, but I wouldn't sleep with you.

It’s here that the insecurity of this man begins to become truly transparent. At first I was insulted, but the longer this went, I actually started to feel sorry for this guy.

[15:33] Him: Of course not, because we aren't compatible even there.
[15:33] Him: Too much mutual contempt.
[15:33] Me: That we can agree on.
[15:34] Him: You see me as an arrogant bastard, and I see you as an accomplisment-less pinchprick housewife.

While calling me a whore doesn’t really bother me, it’s one of those insults that just has no affect. The accomplishment-less remark did have the sting of truth. I have had many times where I look at my life and wonder what has made my life worth it. On the other, if this is what you need to do to yourself to accomplish anything, I’ll stay where I am.

[15:34] Him: And you'd go on about how your children are such an accomplishment and blah blah blah.
[15:34] Me: Do you see any difference between a whore and a housewife? and beyong that...what's wrong with prostitution?

Yes I think prostitution is a reasonable job and should be legal. But that’s a whole other post, as well.

[15:34] Him: And I'd say, 'Well I feel sorry for your daughters, what kind of example are you setting for a little girl'?
[15:35] Me: For record...I have no children, so how could I have done that?
[15:35] Him: Oh God..
[15:35] Him: Wow lady, WOW!
[15:35] Him: Oh my Jesus, you just sit at home all day?
[15:35] Him: Motherfucker you're lazy.
[15:36] Me: No, we have an old house we're remodeling
[15:36] Him: Oh, uh huh.

Actually we do, and I know how to play with power tools.

[15:36] Him: And what did you do before you struck it rich with this guy?
[15:37] Me: Well considering we've been married for 10 years, I put him through school

So I stretched things a little here. This is true, but it was only a two year degree.

[15:37] Him: And now you have no children and both fuck other people.
[15:37] Him: My my, I wouldn't want to face the world either.
[15:37] Him: You have my pity.
[15:37] Me: Yes because of course a married is nothing but sex and children
[15:38] Me: and I do face the world
[15:38] Him: Yes, to buy milk and bread.
[15:38] Me: ....and read selected works to an audience naked, don't forget that.
[15:38] Him: Yeah right, that's likely.

I will be amazed and amused if he actually tracks down the event and shows up. Capt. Booty will have him for breakfast.

[15:39] Him: Are you into S&M?

This I actively ignored.

[15:39] Me: it's called Naked Girls who Read, Denver's first even is in August.
[15:39] Him: Ok, if you show me your lhabia I'll tip you a dollar.
[15:39] Me: ...and you wonder why you're looking for someone to hang out with.
[15:40] Him: I don't wonder at all.
[15:40] Him: I'm well aware of both sides of the equation.
[15:40] Me: So you choose to have a rude and mean attitude towards people?
[15:40] Him: Certainly
[15:40] Him: But not if I respect them, but that's rare.
[15:41] Me: Yes but you behave like a pedantic jerk, who would want your respect?
[15:41] Him: Irrelevant.

He says this a lot.

[15:41] Me: From you behavior and how you talk, there's nothing there
[15:42] Me: Having your respect means less then nothing
[15:42] Him: From your ability to type, and moreover live your life you don't deserve my respect.

I’m not the best typist on IM, but really…judging people by their typo’s is bad, even by my standards.
[15:42] Me: Good, that's most people will think I'm a good person
[15:42] Him: You're probably one of those pseudo-intellectual flakes I see at First Friday...
[15:42] Him: Probably had to grow and decided to do it with a man who would take care of you...lol
[15:43] Me: No...I met him in college, fell in love with him when he was a cook at bar, it's all romantic

It was too, love at first sight, Rocky Horror…*sigh*
\
[15:44] Him: I'm thinking of getting an ASUS laptop.
[15:44] Him: Yeah, real romantic.
[15:44] Him: And now you both fuck other people and don't have children.
[15:44] Me: You are really hung up on the open relationship aren't you
[15:44] Him: Tell me something...do you not have children because you don't want them or because you wouldn't want them exposed to your maniacal menagerie of a marriage?
[15:45] Him: I just think it's very fitting, to be honest I have nothing but resent for most artists, and this is just rich for me.
[15:45] Me: I don't have them because I haven't gotten pregnant, yet.
[15:45] Him: Oh I see, so you'll share you occupied womb with other men?
[15:45] Me: You clearly do not understand how a relationship like that works.
[15:46] Him: Nope, not at all.
[15:46] Him: I mean it's special right?
[15:46] Me: Maybe...maybe not, depends on the situation
[15:46] Him: Your husband can't get another woman pregnant.
[15:46] Him: Wouldn't have to share your nest money to pay for that child.
[15:46] Me: Perhaps you should at least learn a little before you talk too much about it
[15:46] Him: Ten years and no baby, sounds like one of you is fucked up biologically.
[15:46] Him: Lady, I worked in a bondage club lol, I know all about it.

It was at this point that I really started to get the impression that this poor kid has really had a bad life and is just looking for someone to take it out on. Again, I know I should have just ended it, but….train wreck.

[15:47] Me: If he did get a woman pregnant, we'd take in child and raise it just fine
[15:47] Him: Take it huh?
[15:47] Him: Let me tell you a secret, no woman would let that go down...nor would she have to.
[15:47] Me: So no woman has ever given a child up?
[15:47] Him: And NO self-respecting woman would let degenerate people raise their baby.
[15:48] Me: So we're degenerates now.
[15:48] Him: Do you know what Social Services would do?
[15:48] Him: They'd take that child in a heartbeat.
[15:48] Me: For what cause?
[15:48] Him: Lewd conduct I'm sure.
[15:49] Me: What lewd conduct? It's not like I'd do anything in front of a child.
[15:49] Him: Oh no, but the kid knows it's going down.
[15:49] Him: Kids aren't stupid.
[15:49] Him: I grew up in a similar enviornment.
[15:49] Him: And guess where I ended up?
[15:49] Him: But you're an artist, you read and all...you know more than I do.
[15:50] Me: Yes but your situation an stable relationship or was someone having an affair?
[15:50] Him: Open relationship etc..
[15:50] Him: People coming and going, I realized my mother was a whore and talked to a counselor about it.. Fin

This says so much. His life was not good, therefore everyone must be like his mother. There are times when the issues are so psychologically classic, that you wonder if it’s a put on.

Also the knee jerk ‘for the children’ philosophy is something that is ingrained in our culture. If we don’t like something then it must be bad for children. The idea that alternative sexuality is the same as pedophilia comes from that. Regardless of the fact that open and poly relationships are have nothing to with children, sexually, he’s right in that, if reported, CPS likely would take the children away. It’s sad, but true.

[15:51] Me: You should go back...you still have a lot of bitterness.
[15:51] Him: I'm going to law school.
[15:51] Him: With all my bitterness, and contempt and arrogance.
[15:51] Me: What has that to with you being a toxic person who is hurting yourself more then anyone else?
[15:51] Him: I'll ride the seething black liquid of hate all the way to the top, and do whatever I please.
[15:51] Him: than*
[15:52] Him: I'm not hurting myself, I'm improving myself.
[15:52] Me: You're still going to be unhappy.
[15:52] Him: Irrelavent.
[15:52] Him: I have a child to take care of.
[15:52] Me: With what you're carrying around, nothing you do will be enough to fix it.
[15:52] Me: ...and that bitterness, kids can tell, they're not stupid.
[15:53] Me: You child will know you unhappy, and as all children do, will think it's their own fault.
[15:53] Him: Better to be bitter sometimes than some whore.
[15:53] Him: you're*
[15:53] Me: Better to be happy and a good father, then anything else.
[15:53] Him: Lady I'm bitter because of not being able to see my son.
[15:53] Him: That's the biggest part, so once that's over I'm golden.
[15:54] Me: How old is your son?
[15:54] Him: His cunt of a mother is beyond reproach, even worse than say, you are.
[15:54] Him: Irrelevant.
[15:54] Me: Fair enough.
[15:54] Him: Anyway, losing a child due to the whoring and hateful ways of a woman will cause bitterness.
[15:55] Him: And yes, propel a high school dropout into law school.
[15:55] Me: Yes this is true, but it still hurts you more then anyone else.
[15:55] Him: than*
[15:55] Him: Then refers to past-tense...
[15:55] Him: Please learn the difference.
[15:55] Me: pedantic
[15:55] Him: Lethargic...
[15:55] Him: Slovenly...
[15:56] Him: Unkept...
[15:56] Him: English.

Again, classic responses. Obviously, if I can’t type and don’t have proper grammer, then the content of what I’m saying is suspect and he doesn’t have to listen. Now if he had addressed my content and just said I was full of it, he might have won that.

[15:56] Me: You're focusing on the lest important aspects of what I'm saying
[15:56] Him: Lady, I'm in no position financially to do anything about my son.
[15:56] Him: I already dropped 10k on it my first year of school.
[15:56] Him: School, work and a custody battle.
[15:57] Me: Those are the priorities you have set for yourself, if you're not happy about it, change it.
[15:57] Him: But once I'm a CPA, once that 60k rolls in I'll go to war again.
[15:57] Him: I'm content, there is nothing I can do until I'm out of school.
[15:58] Me: Then getting rid of some of that bitterness before you gain custody, would be a good thing.
[15:58] Me: It won't go away just because you son comes home.
[15:58] Him: Again, irrelevant.
[15:59] Him: My bitterness is all I have.
[15:59] Him: Without it I'd be back in art school.
[15:59] Him: ;)
[15:59] Me: You have your love for you son, is that nothing?
[15:59] Him: I've been on both sides of the fence, and honestly I prefer this one.
[15:59] Him: Pray you never end up in family court, because there love truly is nothing.
[16:00] Him: Not without the $ to back it up.
[16:00] Me: I was talking about you emotional state. You have made choices that will be harmful to yourself in the long run.
[16:00] Him: I went in there with love and believe me it's nothing there. What counts there is composure, stability and $.
[16:00] Him: Irrelevant.
[16:01] Me: No it's critical, a bitter, hateful man, makes for a lousy father.
[16:01] Me: Become a better, happier man, and you're a better father.
[16:01] Him: Better that than some fuckup artist.
[16:01] Him: Become better and happier...how?
[16:02] Him: What would you suggest Ms. Enlightened?
[16:03] Me: Try being nicer to people for a start, even if it's not sincere, you actions will give you positive feedback from those around, which creates a loop of positive reinforcement
[16:04] Him: I do that at work and school.
[16:04] Him: Anything else?
[16:04] Me: Once you realize the world isn't the hateful place you feel it is, then you can deal with the fact that you're not the hateful person you feel you are.
[16:04] Him: Oh no, I'm a hateful person.
[16:05] Him: Do you like Skinny Puppy?
[16:05] Me: You could have fooled me. You've been hateful to me, simply because of the aspects of my life that you find similiar to your ex.
[16:06] Him: I said I AM a hateful person.
[16:06] Him: And I LOVE it.
[16:06] Me: oh well then that's your choice, but don't be surprised if your son grows up to hate you back
[16:06] Him: I use to work for a bankruptcy attorney.
[16:06] Him: He and I would chuckle together about the idiots in this world who squander everything away on bullshit.
[16:06] Him: I LAUGHED at those people.
[16:07] Him: Crying and bitching about losing their house, I LAUGHED.
[16:07] Him: And I'd laugh at you just as quickly.
[16:07] Him: Despite any attempt at kindness.
[16:07] Me: I'd never end up in bankruptcy court. I do understand the concept of living within one's means
[16:07] Him: Anyway, do you like Skinny Puppy?
[16:08] Him: Yes, you come from poor white trash blah blah.
[16:08] Me: They're alright. I prefer Abney Park
[16:08] Him: Ech.
[16:08] Him: Godawful punk shit.
[16:08] Me: Steampunk shit
[16:08] Him: Not even close to industrial.
[16:08] Me: It's not supposed to be
[16:09] Him: Wankers the lot of them.
[16:09] Him: I just need to get laid, bah.
[16:10] Me: Yes, that always makes people feel better.
[16:11] Him: :)
[16:11] Him: I'll have to work on it.
[16:11] Him: Maybe some jalapeno poppers too.
[16:12] Him: Some Bombay and tonic.
[16:12] Me: Those wouldn't hurt
[16:12] Him: So when are we going to hang out?
[16:13] Me: Why should we. I truly have no desire to be with someone who has no respect for me.
[16:13] Him: We're just going to talk, I don't want to be with you eithe.
[16:13] Him: either*
[16:14] Me: I was talking about company, not sex.
[16:14] Him: Oh, well whatever.
[16:14] Him: I have respect for you as a human being.
[16:14] Me: Which you have admitted is fairly low.
[16:14] Him: Are you overweight?
[16:15] Me: Yes
[16:16] Him: Mmmm, I would want to sleep with you then..drat.
[16:16] Him: I love chubby women.
[16:16] Me: Sorry, I like my men a little less bitter.
[16:17] Him: I can change :)
[16:17] Me: Careful, that will get South Park quoted at you.
[16:18] Him: Eh, I don't know the reference.
[16:18] Me: One of the songs in that is Saddam Hussein singing 'I can change'
[16:19] Him: Ok.
[16:19] Him: Sorry, I'm not really such a bad guy...just going through a rough time.
[16:19] Him: But think what you will.
[16:19] Me: I see that, and I really do hope it works out and you get you son back.
[16:20] Him: Ok.
[16:20] Him: But you don't want to hang out :(
[16:20] Me: You called me a whore.
[16:20] Him: Ok.
[16:21] Me: Do you now realize that this doesn't endear people to you, even if they do understand why.
[16:21] Him: Irrelevant :)
[16:21] Him: It was worth a shot and I failed, no big deal.
[16:22] Me: No, relevant. I am not so desperate for company that I need to seek out someone who has insulted me, my husband, and my choices in life.
[16:22] Him: Blah blah blah.
[16:22] Me: I have no reason to expect that you'd be any different in person.
[16:23] Him: No of course not.
[16:23] Me: So why should I spend any time with you?
[16:24] Him: I
[16:24] Him: I'd treat you good.
[16:24] Him: Buy you chai tea and rub your feet in public!
[16:25] Me: I have real friends that treat me good. I don't need it from someone who looks at me with contempt and disdain.
[16:25] Him: Whatever lady.
[16:26] Him: You're right, I think you're a failure cookie cutter pseudo-intellectual whore.
[16:26] Him: You're one redeeming quality is that you take it in the ass.
[16:26] Him: Horn rimmed glasses and bright dyed hair and so on.
[16:26] Him: I give a FUCK seriously...;)
[16:26] Me: ...and yet you want to spend time with me, even though you know sex of any kind, will never happen.
[16:27] Him: No not really.
[16:29] Him: I don't care, it's ok.
[16:29] Me: There's a lot things I could say, I think I'll just settle for, Good bye.
[16:30] Him: Eh?
[16:30] Him: Thanks for participating in the experiment.
[16:30] Him: You lasted longer than most.
[16:32] Him: Are you conscious?

Towards the end it was just sad. This poor kid is heartrendingly lonely and, like all of us, wants someone to hang out with and just know that someone cares about him. However, he just can’t stop pouring scorn and derision on people long enough for them to want to be around him. I really feel bad for this guy, but I am far to old to be anyone’s emotional tampon. This is as far as I’m willing go. Part of me thinks I should have met him in person and that I might be able to help him, but really, that way lies madness. He claims the doesn’t need any help, despite, clearly being unhappy, which means there’s nothing to be done. The audacity to ask a person out for coffee and foot rubs…(all I can think of is that he’s got to have at think for feet) after what he said about me is just amazing. Very few geeks I know are that socially inept. He’s got to work at it.

In the end it actually made me feel better in a very schadenfreude sort of way. Which doesn’t say good things about me, but hey, I’m only human.

Public Nudity?!

2009-07-22T23:15:00.000-06:00

I have agreed to something that maybe either brave or stupid. I'm not sure which. The lady who taught the burlesque classes I took a few months ago, asked for volunteers for a new project; Naked Girls who Read. It's pretty much what it says it is. Women read selected works out loud, to an audience. So I will be reading things, naked. It combines 3 of my biggest issues. Social anxiety, stage fright, and body issues. I'm a fat girl and in general I agree in women having a positive body image and all. But the idea of sitting in a room of about 30 people, all looking at me naked, while giving a public reading...nightmares are made of these situations. This will either help these issues a great deal, or drive me totally bonkers. I'm going to be using my burlesque name Capt. Booty, I'm going to be wearing a big frilly pirate hat and boots....and nothing else. Although I am playing with the idea of wearing body paint and glitter.

Stupid Stupid Boys!!!

2009-07-21T14:34:00.000-06:00

This is a short rant cause I have stuff I gotta do, but why are submissive men so annoying. I get it's hard to find a dom, especially those of the female persuasion, but debasing yourself to every goth in a corset is not a good way to do things. Trying to talk them into being a dom is also a bad idea. It reeks of desperation. Which is never attractive. Going on at length at what a submissive slut you are is not going to get me to be your dom. I'm not one and I'm happy about that. I empathize with the desire to be a submissive to someone, but calling everyone woman you IM 'Miss' or 'Mistress' straight out of the gate before you even say 'Hello' and ascertain what her preferences are, makes you come across as a desperate and disrespectful jackass. DON'T DO IT. If you really want to find a nice dom to abuse you, work on your social skills. Even dom's like someone who can say 'Hello'. Unless someone says flat out she's a dom in her profile, (having the nick Mistress...is a good clue too) don't just assume the woman in the corset is. Some of us just like wearing corsets. And if I wanted to get bothered by a lot of spineless crawly men who were desperate, I'd say so.

Zoo

2009-07-20T18:01:00.000-06:00

Here's a rant that's completely different. I'm not bothering with a warning, because that's what making this an adult blog is for. If you can't deal, that's your problem.

So I watched Zoo the other day...and for something to challenge some of my ideas and notions of sexuality was fairly surprising. Zoo is the documentary about the death of Kenneth Pinyan. For those who might not recognize the name, he was a zoophile that died in 2005. Any other details you can Google for yourself. What amazed was the reaction people had. Not just the local police, but even a state senator. Everyone so incensed over something that, at the time, was not illegal, that they had to make legislation against it. While bestiality is not my kink and definitely hits the squick buttons, I'm not sure its worthy of legislation. I don't believe that simply having sex with an animal is abuse. If that were true, then ranchers who masturbate animals for the purpose of artificial insemination, or insemination itself, would also be abuse. At least by the same train of logic. After all the human's enjoyment of the act has little affect on the animal. This train of logic would also mandate many ranch practices would also be abuse.

While this was pointed out to me, the more I watched the movie, the more I realized it wasn't about the animals safety. It was about ignorance, fear, and a lack of understanding. In this case, the best the cops could come up with to charge anyone is criminal trespassing, because it happened on the property of a third party who was not there. I'm not even sure there was a conviction on that. No evidence of any animal abuse was found. People loss their jobs, homes, and livestock for doing something that most people find distasteful, but was not illegal. The stallion in question was gelded because of the fear that someone who was interested in bestiality would adopt him. That is, logically, like saying 'this child was abuses, let's castrate him so no one else will abuse him again'. Ponder that. Even ruining the lives of those involved in this tragic accident, wasn't enough. Legislation making sex with an animal illegal as well as filming it, is a class C felony. Punishable by up to 5 years in prison. This means that the state of Washington considers having sex with a horse to be as bad for society as the manufacturing and distribution of methamphetamine. This isn't a law that is meant to protect me, or anyone else for that matter. It's about control. The local law enforcement was presented with a situation they did not understand or like, it squicked them, so therefore some wrong doing had to have been done.

In the end, it wasn't just the peritonitis that killed this man, it was his very justified fear that prevented him from going to the hospital. He had security clearance at Boeing. By all anecdotal reports he was good at his job and liked it. But had he survived and gone to the emergency room, with the nature of the injuries he had,he would likely have lost his job. Like everyone else who was a part of this farm, his life would have been ruined because society is finds these acts to be distasteful.

One of the ranch hands was even said to have a 'child molester feel' about him. What does that even mean? He looks like cousin Harry? He dresses like a catholic priest? What? The woman who said it had the same knee-jerk reaction to alternative sexuality, that most of society does (even the kinky community, they have their own kinkier then thou people). Any sexuality that WE (as opposed to THEM) don't like is the same as pedophilia. Now, I fail to see the similarities between a 1500 pound stallion and a 5 year old child, or why being sexually attracted to horses or other animals means you like children, but that's the theory. The 'what about the children' defense has about as much credibility as the Chewbacca defense. It's barely passable when seen through blind fear and doesn't hold up when you actually start thinking about sexuality in anything like a logical sense.

While I do not understand zoophilia, I'm not threatened by it. If I were a dolphin, I might be, but then again, I might be one and find the hairless monkey's kinda cute. (Yes, dolphins molest humans) I don't understand monogamy either, and in someways, it's just as distasteful, to me. Just because you find someone's sexuality distasteful or gross, doesn't mean it's dangerous or abusive. Lack of understanding does not mean something is evil. Cluttering up the social conscious with things that are not understood muddies the waters so that real evil is hard to see.

Gah!

2009-07-16T13:20:00.000-06:00

I should really get over obsessing about other peoples problems. In fact I should learn to just let things go and not let people get to me. Why do I do this? I don't know, because I'm a twat. There are better things I should be doing with my time, then worry about what my husband's ex is doing. I most defiantly should be getting upset over her self inflicted misery.. Its not even that I don't know any better. I do, I know stressing about her is not unhealthy, unnecessary, and generally a bad idea. But I do it anyways. I could offer any number of psychological reasons for this stupidity, but I'm fairly sure it boils down to, I'm behaving like a twat. My husband has in no encouraged anything from her, and truly, the she tries to get back into his life, the less he wants to do with her. Her life is like a train wreck. I don't have to anything. If I wish to cruel, the most I have to do is sit back and watch. What drives me insane is that, even now, even after she tried to ruin my marriage, I just want to slap her for ruining her own life. Her life doesn't have to be what she's making it and could be so much better. But she's too busy feeling sorry for herself and being a junkie to actually fix anything. I have no reason to care about any of this, and I shouldn't. I know this isn't her fault, it's my issue. But really, I'm rather sick of it, and need to just get over it and move on.

Not again. sigh

2009-07-05T14:04:00.000-06:00

When relationships end it's hard for some people to let things go. A few months ago my husband dated another woman for a while. While we've never been monogamous, it was the first time one of us has seriously dated anyone. After about 4 months she ended the relationship. Over the course of one evening she hung up on him, (and I've been told threw the phone across the room afterwords) sent a mass text message out to numerous people quitting something she loved, and then showed up at the house with all of his things that had gotten left at her apartment.

She made a big show before this about how much she loved him and how much she cared about us, however there were cracks showing before this, inconsistencies that become glaring in retrospect. She is a self-described alpha female and card-carrying heartless bitch. Before the decision was made to date seriously, she informed him that she could never be second in a relationship. This was said to a man who had just celebrated his 10th wedding anniversary. Several times she made comments about how she 'didn't have the right to ask for anything.' The way certain things were handled with her father, should have also been a big clue. Rather then try to talk to him before hand, what was supposed to be a dinner to meet the new boyfriend, she surprised him by inviting me as well. The pattern that emerged was one of selfish desires. She did what was easier for her, with no concern to others comfort, she very much tried to impose her will through passive/aggressive manipulation even in situations where a simply request would have gotten her what she wanted. As long as we were willing to focus on her, she was happy.

The problem is, things like that never last. Despite being told, repeatedly, that there would be a time when her illness wouldn't be the center of everything, the first time she had to sacrifice my husbands time, she threw a fit and ended the relationship. I had a fairly bad depressive episode and rather then go to a party with her, he took care of me. This was what triggered the break-up. Her behavior, afterwords, reinforced this pattern. Rather then give my husband the time he asked for, she sent multiple text messages, then showed up to the house, uninvited, and tried to apologize...with flowers. This is not what one should do when they've been asked to leave a person alone for a week. She continually demonstrated that others emotions and physiological well being was not something she was concerned with. In spite of what her claims to the contrary.

The reason I'm thinking of this now, is she still sends text messages want to see us. Including inviting us, last minute, to a 4th of July party. Since I have made it clear that I have no desire to see her (as far as I'm concerned she tried steal my husband, the fact that she had no chance of success, doesn't mean I feel any better about it) she sends these to my husband. She's very careful to include me in her invites, but it still feels like she refuses to just let things go. I am honestly not sure how much is an attempt to reinsert herself into my husband's life or just a pathological need to maintain some semblance of control. I don't really care, either. I am done with her and wish she'd just leave us alone. She can't seem to grok, that. She wasn't anything like the person she said she was and it's simply to frustrating to deal with.

I have no issue with my husband. He was honest and straight forward from the very beginning. But I do have issue with someone who has tried in the past, to make him choose them over me. I realize that for me, it's not a jealousy issue. She doesn't have a chance at breaking up our marriage. What I am, is offended that she would try. That she disrespects our commitment, and us, so much that she would cause untold pain and heart ache in a selfish desire to get what she wants. But that's her pattern. The fact that she doesn't see this is even more infuriating. She'll go on at length about how much she helps her friends and how much people take advantage of her. When, in truth, she's the one who takes advantage of anyone willing to be helpful.

But that's the issue for today and I'm done ranting about it. Someday I'll forgive her, when I'm tired of being angry, but for now...I'm just too pissed off.

Little Epiphanies

2009-07-03T10:02:00.000-06:00

"You love me, you know love me."

"Like an incestuous older sister."

At first that comment was spoken as a joke, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed so appropriate. Most anyone who knows me, knows I sleep with men other then my husband. What I don't think they realize is the complexity and depth that can lead too, on rare occasions. The man in question was a lover at one point, but now he is a friend, very much like a brother. My relationship with my real brother is non-existent, so like any dysfunctional person I have subconsciously tried to make up for that by surrounding myself with potential brothers. The only problem is, I keep having sex with them. (There's also a healthy dose of 'sex is fun' in all this so it's not entirely pathological.) On it's own, this isn't a huge deal. I make sure to not have sex with guys I don't like or at least don't want too talk for any length of time. However, our society is ill-equipt to deal with relationship transitions of any sort, much less a transition from a sexual relationship to a non-sexual relationship. Because of this, I have been a dismal failure in trying to replace the brother I didn't know I was looking for, at least until now. I have little doubt the two of us can handle this transition, I'm not sure the people around will have such an easy time. But then again, I have been known to severely underestimate what my friends will accept. People, in general, don't really know what to do with a couple who's relationship as transitioned from a sexual one to more of a familial (if raunchy) one any more then they know how to deal with a familial relationship that has transitioned to sexual. (I make no comments on the appropriateness of that. That's a whole other post) However odd it may seem to people, I'm glad it has happened. I'm used to my friends thinking me odd, the friends worth keeping accept me and love me in spite of or because of (depends on the day I think) my oddities.

High School

2009-06-24T14:10:00.000-06:00

So in an attempt to be less bitter at my years in high school, I joined a online group of fellow students. One of the topics of discussion was favorite teachers. I realized that one of my favorite teachers was witness to one of the many meltdowns I had in high school. This was before I was diagnosed as bi-polar. However, this particular, meltdown, was not without cause.

There was a group of boys in my class who engaged in behavior that, even in the '90s, would meet the legal definition of sexual harassment. While I offered many a tart response and usually fired back with comments that also crossed the line into cruelty, the fact is, they scared the hell out of me. I spent the better part of my junior year afraid that anyone of them was going to drag me somewhere and either rape me or beat me for not having sex with them. In retrospect I realize they were just being stupid teenage boys. They didn't realize that 4 or 5 guys all 6 feet tall or more and athletes (most commonly wrestling or football) would frighten the unpopular 5'5 fat girl.

Years of much larger schools and uncaring staff had trained me well. I never once asked for the schools aid in dealing with the situation. In the mid-90's this would not have mean automatic prosecution in a small town. So it wasn't the idea of 'sending someone to jail' that stopped me. I was my background in other schools were school administration simply wouldn't act on this sort of problem. At the time I had no expectation of help (I was wrong) and feared retribution from other students. Now, I do not think the retribution would have been physical, but I do think there would have been verbal attacks. However, I do think that had I asked, the administration would have responded in a helpful and sane manner.

Anyways, the meltdown pretty much put an end to the abuse. They weren't bad boys (I say boys, because that's what they were, whether or not they grew into men, I have no clue) they were just 16-17 year old assholes. Who isn't asshole at that age. I doubt they have any clue of the havoc the wreaked. I doubt they even remember who I am, despite me being traumatize and still whinging on about at 32. One of the things I don't regret is the fact that charges were never pressed. Yes, what they did was sexual harassment in every sense of the term, but they shouldn't have had their lives irrevocably altered because of it. Many women have told me that I should have pressed charges, that they should have carried the weight of what happened for as long as I have. But that's vengeance, not justice. I have enough shit to deal with, without indulging in something so petty as vengeance.

Local rumor mill tells me that at least one of them has a daughter now. I'd be curious as to what he would think about someone talking to his daughter and making her feel as afraid as I was. I'd bet anything that he has a drastically different idea now. Most of all, I highly doubt any of them remember who I am. Ultimately, that is their loss. I've grown into someone very much worth knowing, since high school. I hope they have.

I learned two very important things from that meltdown. One was that I didn't have to put up with that sort of abuse...from anyone. The other was that I didn't need anyone to defend me, I'm quite capable of that on my own. If they do remember me, I hope they learned as much from that incident as I did.

Rants of a Housetart

All you had to do was nothing!

Let it go?! Why?

Unimportant Rant about people upset at Netflix

Cowardic

My mother's final lesson

Why men should go to SlutWalk

SlutWalk issues

Action

Karma

Invitation to touch?

GTFO!!!

Silence

Hoarding

Once more...with feeeeeeling.

Religion!!!

A letter never finished or sent.

I see you.

Comments on Prop 8 Trial

Less then a day...

I want you gone

Friends?

Family

Doubts

Feels like Home

Haunt

I see you.

This Mask I Wear

Love, it's not over.

Crash and Burn

Secrets

Dating?!

Twitterpation!

Synchronicty?

Quick definition.

I love karma!

Boys are stupid...yet again.

What Feminists won't do.

High School Tragedy 2: Electric Boogaloo

Boy’s are still stupid

Learn your citizenship laws!

Feministing: Fuck You!

Coversations (really long)

Public Nudity?!

Stupid Stupid Boys!!!

Zoo

Gah!

Not again. *sigh*

Little Epiphanies

High School

Not again. sigh